Swinging will change your marriage. The sites promoting swinging hype many of those changes. They emphasize sex as being all-important. It is important, yet when truths are presented out of balance they become destructive. Sudden, abnormal growth, even in your marriage, is destructive. Some sites even give tips on how husbands can talk their wives into swinging, including ways of overcoming objections. Perhaps the reason your spouse seems coached or scripted is because they are. Anything that changes your marriage like swinging can also ruin your marriage by the same degree.
How Will Swinging Ruin Our Marriage? <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio, and I’m glad that you tuned in for today’s show. The topic we’re going to be dealing with today is the question, how will swinging ruin our marriage.
At Survive Your Partner’s Affair, I often receive many questions about swinging, and people have some serious questions. And so I want to provide some serious answers.
Let’s start off with saying that swinging will change your marriage. The sites that advertise it will increase the sex in your marriage, it probably will. Besides that, promoting swinging hypes many aspects of the changes that the swinging lifestyle’s going to bring to your marriage.
As part of the program, they emphasize sex as being all important. It is important, yet when truths, including this truth, is presented out of balance, it becomes destructive. There’s many factors that go into a marriage, and when you take one factor and harp on it to the extreme and take it out of context, it becomes destructive.
If we took cleanliness, and took it to the extreme, where you have to go through all these cleansing rituals and that’s the most important thing in a marriage, it would mess things up. You’ve got to have many things. Compassion, commitment, communication, trust, honesty, sex. All of this.
Take any one, take it out of context, and it becomes weird. In a hurry.
Sudden abnormal growths in one particular area of the marriage, to the exclusion of the others, even in your marriage, is destructive. Even in nature you have normal cells within your body, and when they experience abnormal sudden growth, we usually call that cancer.
Same type of thing. Just a massive growth in one area to the exclusion of the others, is bad news.
With swinging, you even have sites that give tips on how husbands can talk their wives into swinging. These tips often include ways of overcoming their objections. Perhaps there is a reason that your spouse seems to be coached or scripted when they’re talking to you about swinging, because they are. They’re following a script that they came across on some site.
Anything that changes your marriage, like swinging can, can also ruin it to the same extent. We’re going to be talking about that.
Which brings me back to the question, so exactly how will swinging ruin our marriage? My answer in today’s show is bonding, resistance, and insecurity. I’ll get into each of those.
Number one, bonding. Swinging definitely gives you more sexual partners. It also brings you the bonding that goes with it. Because everybody that you are with, there is chemical (Oxytocin and vasopressin) and physical and emotional bonding that takes place. With each person you sleep with, you bond with. And when you have multiple bonds, the bond with you and your spouse is no longer exclusive.
Instead of having just this one bond, you’ve got a lot more bonds. You’re going to have to deal with the challenges that that brings with it.
Within the swinging community, many times they talk about exclusivity, but they use it in a weird way. You’re caught up with use of the word regarding your spouse, yet in practice it means something totally different. They have a special name for this relationship, but those special names or permissions do not compensate for the watering down of that special bond you have with your spouse.
What the two of you have is no longer special. It’s shared. And you’re going to have to realize that. That waters down the specialness of it. You start bonding, you start developing emotional attachments to other people. You can’t help it. That’s part of the bonding process.
Number two, swinging breaks down resistance. Although they present it that swinging breaks down resistance to new sexual adventures, it also breaks down resistance to unwanted and uninvited advances.
When you start breaking down a person’s walls of resistance, you start to lose self-control. Well, I mean that person loses their ability to have self-control. Those walls and those resistances are there for a reason, and when you break them all down, they lose their sense of self-control. They start to lose a lot of sense of their boundaries, because with each adventure it’s as if they lose a little more. A little more of what makes them special, a little piece of their soul is given away. And piece by piece, they lose the sense of who they are.
And you’re going to have to deal with that factor. That can be very destructive in a marriage.
Number three, swinging plants seeds of insecurity. Swinging by its very nature is shrouded in secrecy. Secrets about where you meet, secrets about when you meet, about who’s in the club, who’s not in the club. And in the early days this adds a lot of excitement and intrigue. Makes it special in some ways. But over time, the effect of all this secrecy leaves you feeling insecure about who knows, what do they know. There’s even insecurity about the secrets, about your marital status, and even about your identity.
Bottom line, it leaves you feeling more insecure on the back end than you felt on the front end. Bottom line, it leaves you having less resistance on the back end as opposed to the front end. Bottom line, that exclusive bond that you had with your spouse when you married is no longer exclusive.
These are just some of the ways that swinging ruins a marriage. There are many others, and I address the topic periodically on my blog at www.surviveyourpartnersaffair.com. I encourage you to visit, read what is there, it may give you some insights. Maybe some of the letters from some of the readers that have struggled with this issue and are attempting to break out of the lifestyle will give you inspiration and hope.
Because you can break out of it. There’s often a lot of work to do in cleaning up the mess, so to speak, but you can break out of it. The material I provide there can help you through that process. So it does not have to be this massive nightmare that follows you the rest of your life. You can get out of it.
If you have enjoyed today’s radio show, I encourage you, leave your positive feedback here at the website. If you have questions you want to write to me about in private, write to me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com. If you have questions that you don’t mind sharing with other people, feel free to ask them on the blog and I’ll be glad to respond to them. Many times, the very questions you ask are those issues that other people are dealing with, as well. Because you’re not alone in what you’re going through and in your search for answers.
This is a sensitive area that I know a lot of people need help with. Because here at Affair Recovery Radio, I firmly believe an affair does not have to be the end of your marriage. You can move past it, and I want to help you move past the affair. That’s what I’m here for. There are many different types of affairs, including swinging, and you can move past it. I’ll give you the tools to make that possible, to move you past it.
Thank you for tuning in. I hope this gave you some things to think about. With these pointers, you can start looking at those and discussing those with your spouse right away, and I encourage you to do so. The sooner that you make changes the better.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio, saying goodbye.
If you need help dealing with the effects of trauma after swinging, you’ll want the webinar “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers” now available.
