One task that requires patience is detangling the fishing line. All it takes is one bad cast and you end up with what is called a ‘bird’s nest’. It’s always easier to create bird’s nest tangles than it is to undo them. At times I wonder if untangling bird’s nests are part of the training that potential fishermen go through in developing patience.
These days, it’s often easier to go down to the sporting goods store and purchase a new one than it is to detangle the reel that you already have. With all the sales flyers arriving weekly, there’s also the constant lure of advertisements that make the choice even easier.
The ads never mention what the likelihood of a new reel tangling is. It’s inevitable that eventually it will tangle, and you’re right back where you started.
The bird’s nest situation reminds me of most blended families. One bad choice, like an affair, and you’ve got a tangled mess on your hands. With a blended family, it’s as if you inherit the mother of all bird’s nest tangles. In a blended family, the fishing line are lines of communication, trust, loyalty, and expectations. All of these lines get tangled together, creating one big mess.
It’s easy to give up and cut the line, but with a bird’s nest or a blended family that’s not always the best option. It takes time and patience to work through any kind of tangle.
A few wrong moves and you make the tangled mess worse than it was before.
When blended families came in for counseling, I often felt like the fisherman in the middle of the lake who was suddenly blessed with a huge tangle. Although it’s tempting to throw away your marriage and get a new one, that solution doesn’t fix anything.
In many cases, someone had an affair, followed by each spouse remarrying and taking their messes with them into new families. The ‘new family’ solution consisted of bird’s nest tangles with lines going back to each marriage and the problems that started like a bad cast.
You may be tempted to cut the line and remove sections, which is a family amounts to kicking some members out of your home. It may be a quick fix for the tangle, but the family misses out on the lost potential from your actions.
In my mind, the place to start untangling a blended family bird’s nest is with trust. As long as there is distrust, any disagreement can become a major blow-up. Distrust makes any disagreement worse. With all the raw feelings in blended families, the consequences are amped up to higher levels of conflict.
This is one reason I created the “How Can I Trust You Again?” video. The video guides you with ‘how-to’s of rebuilding trust, when you follow the Trust Formula. Yes, there is a formula, that when all the pieces are in place start rebuilding trust in your marriage and family, even blended families.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
