Some of you may have the unfortunate experience of the cheater telling you that “You agreed to it…” as part of their tirade supporting what they did. Although they tell you that you agreed to it, in reality, you never agreed to it, you merely acknowledged it was going on. There is a huge difference between acknowledging and condoning. In the cheater’s mind that gap is small yet in yours, it is much larger.
Confusing the two often leads to many fights. The cheater resolutely, if not brazenly defends their position. They really believe that they are doing nothing wrong.
When they assume this posture, you will find it any challenge to it met with fierce opposition. In their mind, “you approved it”. Like a child in school, they firmly hold to what they consider “your approval”.
Realize that selective attention and selective hearing are being used against you. The cheater is cherry picking what registers in their minds. Your words may reach their ears, but that does not mean that they are registering in their minds.
For this reason, you need powerful tools that navigate past the mental blocks and obstacles. There are ways of phrasing what you say that move you past these these barriers.
One simple tool is making your position clear. Use simple language is stating your position, even if it hurts their feelings. For example, “You are having an affair. I do not approve of your affair. When I think about your affair, I get angry.”
It is not that the cheater is stupid. You are having to bypass all the defenses in their brain. Simple sentences leave little room for misinterpretation. The clearer and simpler you can make your sentences, the better.
Trying to explain your position only weakens it. The more words you use, the greater the larger the target for them to distort. If they can take your words for another meaning, they will.
Making what you say elegant is a sure path to getting bogged down. Making sure what you say doesn’t hurt their feelings is another path to bogging down.
A second tool is using time. After you state your position, allow there to be a moment of silence. That allows what you say to sink in. Your words will sink in better when you allow silence.
The more you talk, the less they will hear.
I cover more ways of communicating past the obstructions in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Best Regards,
Jeff
