Does Name-Calling make you a bad person? <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today’s topic deals with does name calling make me a bad person.
When you’re dealing with affairs and affair recovery there’s temptation to go into a lot of name calling. You’re dealing with some really ugly situations that you never wanted to deal with, and as you deal with some ugly situations and unpleasant feelings, there’s going to be the temptation to get into a lot of name calling.
Some of you are good people, and being that you’re good people you don’t want to be seen as a bad person. There’s a part of you that thinks gee, if I go ahead and I use the kind of language that I’m thinking about or let people know what I’m feeling, they may see me as a bad person.
Does name calling make me a bad person? We’re going to be talking about that today.
The problem here is that the personal nature of affairs and the intensity of the emotions that you’re feeling often brings out the worst. The worst in your spouse, the worst in you, and the worst in terms of your thinking. Because many times fear and uncertainty are just going to take over your mind and you start thinking worst case scenarios.
This part of dealing with affairs it’s not unusual that you find yourself wondering whether or not you’re a good or bad person, because there’s what your spouse tells you, there’s what you tell yourself, there’s what other people tell you. And you wonder whether or not I’m a good person. I must not be a bad person. Or I must not be a good person if this affair happened.
This is a common thought, and this is part of the struggle that you will find yourself going through.
To answer the question simply, no. It does not make you a bad person. The things that make you a bad person is not whether or not you call somebody a name, but what makes you a good or bad person is what you do rather than what you call people.
In terms of a more practical solution I’m going to give you some answers there as well.
First, be honest with yourself. In terms of being honest with yourself you need to avoid name calling on the inside, yet being nice on the outside. What I mean by this, there’s some of you that want to maintain this nice facade or come across as a nice person, yet on the inside you’re saying that dirty bitch, or that rotten bastard, or some other type of language there.
As you’re going through the struggle there will be intense feelings. Because it affects you personally there’s going to be personal reactions, and part of those are going to be those intense feelings.
To have all this, that type of talk on the inside and not allow it to go on the outside, that’s going to create tensions inside of you. And you’re going to want to avoid that. You need to be honest with yourself. If you view that other person as a bastard, as a whore, as a bitch, whatever word you want to use, you need to get that out and be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and what you’re calling them.
I’ll get into the meanings behind that later, but for the moment let’s have you start with being honest with yourself. You’re going to drive yourself nuts if you act one way on the outside yet you’re feeling something else on the inside.
Second point. Identify what that name is telling you. Because as people we choose words based on what they mean to us. You don’t just randomly select those words, that word means something to you. Whether it be, like the examples I said, bitch or whore or whatever, that means something, and you’re going to need to find out what that means to you. Because that is part of what you’re feeling on the inside.
These words have been echoing inside of you, or if you want to use the term, they’ve been resonating, for a reason. It’s not reasonless that those words are there. If it resonates find out why. Find out why it means what it means to you. What does it mean to you? So find out what the name is telling you.
And number three, don’t insist or assume that others feel or think like you do. Just because you feel that way does not mean that other people feel that way.
You may think well, they don’t understand me. Well, they may not agree with the way that you look at it but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re wrong. And as you’re going through that the feelings you may feel one particular type of feeling toward the person on Monday and by Wednesday it may be different, and by Friday it may be totally different.
You’re not going nuts. This is part of affair recovery. You will find yourself dealing with ups and downs, like a roller coaster. You’re not going nuts. It’s just part of the natural process. And you’ll be setting yourself up for problems if you insist that other people think exactly like you or feel exactly like you. You’re going to have to let go of that.
I’ve talked in some of the previous episodes about the importance of communicating for understanding. This is what you want to do here. Too many times people set themselves up by thinking that you’re not communicating if the person’s not agreeing with you. Agreement is not the same thing as communication. You’re going to have to realize that. Insisting that others think and feel like you is not going to work.
You have to make some of these changes to help you get through that. And what I mean by making some of these changes, there may be days that you feel like cussing up a storm describing the other person. That’s okay as you’re going through this process.
If you just do it clear out of the blue, that’s a whole nother ball game. But when you’re going through the hurt that makes sense. Because when your tongue is in control chances are you’re out of control. And there will be times that you need to be in control, and times that you need to be out of control.
The name calling will not make you a bad person. It’s your actions that make you a good or bad person. But as you’re going through recovery you need to be honest with yourself, identify what the name is telling, and to give up insisting that others think and feel like you do. Because they’re not going to.
These are things that you can start and you can do right now, even before we get off the call, and I encourage you to do so. Dealing with those intense feelings, it’s not fun. But it’s an important part of the recovery.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. See you later.
