Adultery changes you. Some of the changes are readily seen, others show up over time. One of the more insidious changes is how adultery warps a persons view of love.
Once adultery enters a person’s life, love is no longer a matter of self-restraint, or self-sacrifice for the greater good. Love changes into “Whatever makes you happy” and gorging oneself in self-indulgence.
When a parent becomes and adulterer, these changes in how they view love often spills over into how they parent. They begin trying to make their children happy rather than do what is right or good.
Since they often have ‘good intentions’ when they do these things, the whole definition of what ‘love’ is becomes distorted for themselves and their children. If this problem is not addressed, it spreads to their grandchildren and turn into a familial pattern infecting future generations.
Affairs present a problem that keeps on giving across the generations. The giving it delivers produces selfishness, twisted definitions of love, secrecy, shame, and self-indulgence. Since the adulterers are often well-intentioned, they are seen as ‘good people’ when in reality, the poison of their twisted thinking often contaminates whole communities and generations. The poisonous damage of adulterous thinking often sets the stage for even bigger problems.
One of those problems is that the whole definition of love changes. A loving parent is no longer someone who sacrifices for their family, sets moral limits, wants their kids to do what is right and encourages good behavior.
The new definition of a ‘loving’ parent is one who is ‘accepting of self-indulgence’, tolerant of perversion (since it makes the pervert happy), and encourages their kids to do what makes them happy. Some of you may have been so poisoned that you do not see the difference. between the two examples.
This may make it clearer, here is a comparison of the two mindsets:
Adulterous Thinking: Non-Adulterous Thinking:
Emphasis on Sensation Emphasis on doing ‘right’
Accepting of sexual misconduct Confronts Sexual misconduct
Self-Indulgent Self-sacrificing
Wants no limits Knows that limits protect us
Sin as a matter of perception Calls sin out as sin
This will help you understand and have clarity on the differences between the two.
Therapists working with trauma know how one event often leaves many scars. When it comes to adulterous thinking, one of the scars is that of damaged love.
Since there are no outward signs, other people will assume that ‘all is well’. They don’t see the dark intents and desires adulterous thinking produces.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Your last comment about calling out sin has me wondering as to what your true belief is as far as adultery goes and how the scriptures explain it. Because your partner goes out, commits adultery and then leaves, does that ever make it okay for you to pretty much do the same when you go out and choose a new partner to bring in as a parent for your kids?
Brian,
Thank you for writing and your question(s). Your choice of terms in asking about my ‘true belief’ about adultery tells me that you want some straight answers regarding adultery as it relates to theological positions. I do view it as a sin, although it’s a forgivable one. If it wasn’t forgivable, we’d all be in trouble.
This runs contrary to the prevalent belief in some circles that adultery is unforgiveable. I believe that people miss the mark, make mistakes, bad choices, stupid choices and so forth. I believe that we can move beyond those choices.
There are many dimensions to adultery that I have beliefs about. It would take me quite a while to cover them. At this point, I’ve covered many in the 3800 posts on the blog. I will be glad to address other aspects if you could specify what part of adultery you have concerns with.
When your spouse leaves, you are faced with the difficult choice of re-marrying or taking the position of staying single as a rebuilder. The rebuilder position is one where you are doing ‘pretty much the same’ as your spouse by re-marrying. I have seen examples of each. Both positions have pluses and drawbacks to them. I’ve seen people happy with each position.
The rebuilder position is a tough one that requires discipline that many people aren’t willing to do. They have needs that they aren’t willing to sacrifice. The remarrying position has some baggage with it. Being a second marriage while the ex is still alive, there are some significant issues needing attention.
In terms of my views on Scripture on this matters, I cover much of that in my e-book, “What the Bible Says Adultery“.
I put it in a separate book since only some readers want that kind of information. They are already overloaded with the situation they’re facing.
Best Regards,
Jeff