Can the swinger lifestyle ruin relationships?

A reader posed the question “Can the swinger lifestyle ruin relationships?” The answer, although obvious to me as ‘Yes!’, may not be so obvious to you or those caught up in the swinger lifestyle.

A more poignant and useful question is “How does a swinger lifestyle ruin relationships?”

With the ‘swinger lifestyle’, there are the manifest and latent effects on relationships.

Among the manifest effects are exposure to communicable diseases. Although STD (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) such as venereal diseases are always a risk, there are others as well. Conditions such as yeast infections and other infections are a constant risk.

Not only are STD’s a danger, there is also the risk of cancer. The leading cause of throat cancer in the US is now HPV. It bypassed tobacco as the leading cause a while back, yet I doubt you’ll see graphic advertisements proclaiming the dangers of sexual promiscuity like you saw regarding tobacco.

Although you’ve likely seen anti-smoking ads on movies you rent or purchase, it’s doubtful that you’ll seen any kind of coalition doing such mass advertising against promiscuity. Even though it accounts for more cases of throat cancer, it’s not a topic the public wants attention drawn to.

The more exposure you have to other partners, the higher your risk for such conditions, like throat cancers. Since they’re so common, few people ever consider that there is a connection between multiple partners and the problems that they are experiencing.

You may take good care of yourself, but that doesn’t mean your partner does as well. Remember you are exposing yourself to whatever they have been exposed to as well.

What often happens as swinging lifestyle takes over more of your life, there is a greater risk for sexual addictions developing. By swinging, you can cover up the sexual addiction for a while.

The problem is that the sexual addiction is progressive. It takes you further down the rabbit hole of sex. Eventually progressing to networking for anonymous sex.

You may find yourself searching through personal ads for your next encounter. In such cases, you rely on honest self-reporting of those taking out the ads.

Besides the communicable conditions, another manifest effect is the change in bonding. With each partner, there is some form of chemical bonding that happens.

You develop connection with each partner. The swinger community has a sense of connectedness, which is part of the bonding which occurs.

This means that you’ll not be able to deal with those people in an objective manner. Your dealings with them will never be ‘business as usual’. There will always be the tug and pull of past connection at work.

There will also be the power of secrecy at work as well either with you having power over others through secrets or them having power over you. This will impact all your relationships in the community, business environment, and church.

Another manifest effect is the change in status of your marriage. Your spouse becomes more a piece of property than someone with a unique relationship with you.

The institution of marriage is not a special place, but has become concubinage, pure and simple. The main difference between your spouse and the other partners is that they do not have the legal claims to your estate that your spouse does.

There are also the latent effects. One of this is how you view others. Since the swingers lifestyle sexualizes relationships, you may find yourself sexually fantasizing about those in your neighborhood and community.

This sexualizing may occur intentionally or unintentionally. It is as if a switch was flipped and now you can not turn it off. The deeper you are into the swinger lifestyle, the more powerful the fantasizing.

There is also the impact of the ‘swinger’ mindset. Since the swinger lifestyle often involves a change in mindset and how words are defined, these changed definitions will impact your other relationships as well. What you mean and how people take what you said may often be very different.

Although this mindset helps you communicate with others in the lifestyle, it often becomes a stumbling block to having healthy relationships with those not in the lifestyle. This mindset also involves a secret language used between participants, as if it were an exclusive club where only the members know the ‘secret’ meanings and phrases.

There is also guilt. You may be able to put off guilt, but eventually you will have to face it and its effects. Although you may have subscribed the the mind over matter mantras, and claim that “i don’t do guilt”, you body still does.

The effects of that guilt will eventually show up in the form of psychosomatic conditions. Your body will eventually tell the truth about things. You may be able to over-ride moral teachings for a while, but they will catch up. Medications, drugs and alcohol will temporarily help, yet eventually they will not be able to keep the pain blunted.

These are just some of the ways how the swinging lifestyle ruins relationships.

If you or your marriage has been damaged, there is help. The video on “Relationship Trauma for Swingers” deals with the unique needs and issues of swinger relationships.You love your spouse, yet the lifestyle may be getting out of control.

If your swinging has advanced to networking for anonymous sex, or sex is becoming increasingly dangerous, you are in deeper than you realize. Getting help will save your life.

Best Regards,

Jeff