The question “Why wasn’t I enough?” is another one of the queries that often arise in the aftermath of an affair. Let us take a look at the question and responses to it. First it is a “why?” question. Why questions are looking for explanations. By their very nature they put people on the defensive. They have an accusatory tone to them. These questions also focus on the past. They look at what happened and try to find the answers in the past. Even the addition of “wasn’t” is focused on the past. This question puts both the questioner and the questionee under scrutiny. By its very nature, the question is seeking explanations for inadequacy. It already assumes that the party being cheated on was inadequate. Such questions carry the baggage of assumptions with them. In posing such questions to the cheater, you provide an easy out. It assumes something was wrong with you and all they have to do is identify some trait or quality where you were lacking in order to answer the question. It is a question from the language of inadequacy.
The answer may be that nothing was wrong with you. The problem could lie with the cheater and their choices. A better question would be “What needs to be added to our relationship?” or “What more do you need from me or us?” Since most cheaters often act without thinking through their choices, they probable will not be able to identify the real issues. The cheaters that do think often obsess on a few qualities in order to justify their cheating activities. They also have a highly inflated value on sexual activity and selfishness. It is as if they want to sexually act out and are looking for an excuse. Fault finding is a way to identify and excuse. They use the fault finding like a “get out of jail free card” to avoid the pain of their choices.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
