When a family member looked at me with tear-filled eyes and asked ‘Why won’t he listen to me?’ it put me in a bind. I wanted to tell her the truth she needed to hear, yet I knew she wasn’t in a place to hear what she needed to hear.
That’s a funny thing about truths. You have to be ready to hear them, otherwise, they are wasted. There is a popular idea in the media and in some religious circles these days, that all you need to do is “Speak truth to power“. That mindset sounds convincing, yet it’s misleading.
This is the idea that all you need to do in order to prevail against propaganda or authoritarianism is ‘speak the truth’.
Speaking the truth, whether it is one person’s version of the truth, the gospel or public consensus, and expecting it to be heard sets you up with unrealistic expectations. This kind of thinking makes you believe that all you have to do is be truthful and it will fix everything, including the affair.
Like magic, you are led to believe all you have to do is say the right words and ‘presto’ all is healed. Assuming that speaking the truth will heal your marriage is a fairy story for adults. It’s a half-truth, which, if you get technical, is a lie.
When it comes to relationships, you have to connect, then redirect. I can’t overemphasize this idea too much. You have to connect, then redirect.
You have to make a connection with your spouse before any kind of redirection occurs. If you ‘speak the truth’ before connecting, you’re talking to yourself in an echo chamber.
The lack of connection is where many couples fail. This is why he won’t listen to you. You aren’t making a connection with him. Without connection, you can have all the honesty or ‘truth to power’ in the world, but they will be wasted.
If you’ve been speaking truth and they haven’t been listening, there’s a reason for it. It’s not that you are wording it wrong or your words don’t have enough power. Somewhere along the way, you didn’t connect with them.
This is where my video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” comes in. It shows you ways of re-establishing a connection with your spouse. You’ll have the tools you need for making connections. Some of you may find that you never made the connection you thought you had.
The answer to them not listening to you is not in the magic of your words, it’s in your lackluster connection to them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
