In the back of my mind, I ponder many of the mysteries about infidelity that I still don’t have the answers to. One of these is the mysterious pattern which I call, “the delay”.
Some couples take prompt action in reacting to an affair, while others wait. It’s the couples that wait that currently have my attention.
The mystery that puzzles me is the pattern of those couples who wait for about two years before getting help in dealing with the affair. This waiting is what I refer to as ‘the delay’.
The delay is typically the time taken between when the affair is discovered and when couples finally go to a therapist or counselor.
What puzzles me about ‘the delay’ are a couple of things. One is the motivation for waiting, the other is the reason for that period of time being a pronounced pattern.
Since each of your marriages is unique, your reasons for the delay are unique as well. One of the lessons I learned long ago is that ‘one size solutions don’t fit all’ when it comes to affairs.
So, if you are in the midst of ‘the delay’, I invite you to consider some key questions which may help shed some light on why you are waiting and what you might do differently.
The delay has me wondering if it takes that long for denial to finally wear off and the realization that serious help is needed if you’re going to save your marriage. I know some people have to hurt bad enough before their pride lets them finally do something.
Or, is the delay more about a process of assessing the marriage and trying to figure out if it’s worth saving? After all, an affair is a big deal and maybe you need that much time to come to grips with what has happened and decide whether or not it’s something you can move past.
Pride has enough power to keep you from being vulnerable. Pride keeps you from accepting reality and the state of your marriage relationship. Pride has even led some of you to throw away a perfectly good marriage. Rather than admit to mistakes, it was easier to ditch your relationship.
The two-year window of the delay gives you enough time for the pain to reach the level where the action is needed. It also provides enough time for many of the facts surrounding the affair to finally ooze their way out.
One of the problems that come with the delay is that by waiting so long, many of the unhealthy patterns are so entrenched, that they’re now hard to change.
The good news is that you no longer have to wait for help. If your marriage needs help, the Affair Recovery Workshop is now available for download. You can click and download help.
Rather than go to a therapist’s office, the two of you can start working on your marriage in your own home. The delay doesn’t have to happen to you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
