You may call it ‘blackmail’, cyber-bullying or something else, like sextortion. When someone threatens revealing the affair, it keeps you in an unsettled state of anxious fear. Whether or not you participated voluntarily or involuntarily becomes a moot point when you are threatened with exposure and the shame it brings.
While in that state of fear, you’re vulnerable to the person threatening you and their demands. Although unpleasant, such people exist. There are some sick people who look for others to exploit, and affairs are another way to exploit.
They look for victims that they can leverage and take advantage of, whether male or female. Some operate alone, while others operate in teams. What you may have thought of as hot date for a one night stand may actually be part of their ‘set up’.
With the technology provided by computers and the internet, blackmail threats are more intimidating than in previous generations. In the past, it was about pictures.
Now those pictures can be targeted to your job, family, friends, etc. If your job is in a sensitive position, you’re even more vulnerable.
You can easily be trapped under such conditions. If you are in a situation like this, you will need to short-circuit the fear. Let your spouse know what is going on. When the affair is used as blackmail, you will need your spouse’s support.
The blackmailer is a bigger enemy than your spouse. It will take the two of you together to combat the harassment and threats that come from such situations.
You may be scared, yet by facing the fear of exposure, you take away the power they blackmailers have over you. The blackmailers are counting on your shame and guilt to keep you from telling your spouse.
They want you isolated and anxious. When you take steps that remove the emotional pressure, they loose leverage.
You trying to keep things secret is what gives them power. Shame gives them power. They will use that power to dominate and control you.
When you short circuit that power, they no longer control you. They want you to live in fear of the ‘worst that can happen’. Yes, facing the fear can be messy, yet it is much less messy than trying to keep the secret and hide.
(Note: If it is a life threatening situation, the dynamics are different. In life threatening situations, the preservation of life is the #1 priority rather than honesty. In such situations, getting to a safe place if the first order of business, then you can work on the honesty, etc.)
For more help regarding affair recovery for cheaters, check out the video, “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery“. The video shows you what you need to do along with why that’s important.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
well I saw that at first in the way this was “SET UP” ….now my husband says he has had enough …FOR HIM …in other words he is not wanting to keep the children from adultery away from exposure….doesn’t seem to care much about how this will effect our children …adults but still at home due to our faith based perspective…or how it may effect his employment….TRUSTWORTHINESS being a very BIG issue in his field.
So he believes his choices still are not anything that effects others …or that it is just ‘too bad’ ..
I ascribe to an honest and open life …this adultery has put us all in a very difficult situation to say the least .
I am beginning to give up the idea that he will change without some really drastic ‘something’ happening that effects HIM in a way that matters TO HIM
Sad…I am more than ever just turned to continue to study and grow in my faith …God is worthy to be followed and sought despite whatever those we love may do to try to destroy our hearts …I have to find my sustanance in the Lord
This is no gib statement ..I am broken hearted as I see my husband cares so little about those he was supposed to care the most about ….still living independently in regard to his choices of where and how he spends his time , energy and focus….I am sad to have this be what my daughters have to see….my son is not at home…
I am trying to utilize what ways I learn will be helpful to them learn what to look for in a spouse should one every come along ….It is hard because my husband was exhibiting such good qualities in the beginning …caring , fairminded…teachable and eager to know more about how his relationship with the Lord would grow …That all changed with his career change…his mom’s death and our first child all converging at the same period of time.
He has had no interest in character changes….sadly he believes he is really a good person.
Hello,
My name is Alejandro Holguin. I am a victim of the same circumstances. In my situation a corrupt law enforcement personnel us using all types of gaslighting, steet theater and spyware, even a following of high tech drone to sabtoage my image. This is done due to years of him hovering over wife, using fear of before marriage episode to threaten her by blackmail. At our happiest moments, her behavior became fearful and expedient need to argue ensued. Then followed by rest or getting along until the next milestone met. For example me getting my masters degree, then me getting a apartment, then my state license exam passed, and finally as soon as we got a home and both showing signs of growth. here three years after divorce, the worst keeps happening to take my job, using cover up team law enforcement use to help get away from a crime and discredit victims that may speak out. Im unlike you ex im involved and all i do to keep relationship with kids threatens this person and ex wife allows based of still fearing revelation, keeps coming to try and darken me as if Im the adulterer and all i do to voice is ignored. i try to keep cps as long as kids dont show sings of abuse, but i fear i missed something and now they are trained to fear of losing me or their mom, to lie as someone has brainwashed and manipulated them, placing them in the position to lie to save them loss. tragic, and if i quesiton it will place them in a spot, so im forced to do this. The types of tools being used are ones designed by law enforcement to make someone appear crazy if they go into detail, so with GOD ive developed a strategic way of communicating this. But this peson, backed by years of getting away using a tedious elementary narcissistic approach cant out smart me so the cycle of limited tools continues.
How much has changed since you entered this post? I know your situation has its differences in comparison to mine, and mine to yours, but any tips or suggesstions you can offer me to aid me in this annoying process that wont let me heal properly or move on, in constant worry of my kids future? Anything I say or do to work with the ex wife to give kids a close to normal coparenting life is met with confusion, ignoring and fear tactics in hope i will snap and then further use that against me. Recently God has shown divine intervention, some instantly, but a miracle is needed to vanish this coward from my life. Anything helps please feel free to email me.