In doing some schoolwork, I came across a quote that caught my attention that may start you doing some thinking. The quote, credited to Socrates is “The evil never attains to real friendship, either with good or evil.” I had to read it several times and think through it and it’s application to marriage relationships. When I did so, the results were unsettling. It started me thinking that in the case of the ‘evil’ cheater (those who do so without remorse or guilt), there is often a pattern of poor relationships. Although you may love them, consider whether they are really into their relationship with you and whether or not that relationship is healthy. The evil cheater does not have a healthy relationship with you. They also do not have healthy relationships with their lover either. They know how to get what they want, but that does not make a relationship healthy. When they are selfish, there is no room in their lives for the give and take of healthy relationships.
There may be moments that you feel close to them or can talk to them, but a few moments do not make for a healthy relationship. It does not make for what Socrates calls a ‘real’ relationship either with all the give and take sharing that such relationships have. Real relationships involve heart to heart sharing that only happens periodically, if ever with this type of cheater. (Yes, there are different types of cheaters. Thinking that they are ALL THE SAME is a mindset that can bring you a load of grief).
If you are married to an evil cheater, you will want to be honest with yourself about what is going on and what your expectations of the relationship are. You will also need to be honest with yourself about the likelihood that they will change their ways. Although you may be very loving, you will not be able to magically change them just by loving them. They will need stronger medicine and intervention than that.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
So where do you get intervention for these folks? When she does it to get something …the drug of choice ” intentionally has no remorse … denial… yet wants to have a “normal ” family life…
Still didn’t disclose …
Thanks
itsbeen so long,
Your question is a good one, yet a difficult one to answer. When there is a total lack of remorse, the problem is deeper than your marriage and began long before your marriage. That means that the ‘intervention’ will need to address deep seated hurts that happened before you came along. That means that you will need to work on ‘not taking her affairs personally’ as the two of you work on the issues. I know that it hits you on a personal level, yet the damage that started her chasing after affirmations and affection began long before you came along.
In terms of intervention, you will need someone who can help her resolve the early traumas and events that shaped her character along with LOTS of prayer. She needs intervention on several levels, emotional, relational and spiritual. That is a tall order. It will also take some time as the two of you work through the matter. A good place to start is for her to wake up to the fact that she has a problem.