Getting help in dealing with an affair can be a touchy situation. Bringing in outside help too soon can create problems as can not bringing them in when you need them. The place to start is with you and your spouse. You will need to first talk with them yourself. This means without friends or family to provide support. You will also not want to have that talk with the children present.
When you do talk, you will need to remember that communication is a two-way street. You will need to listen to their response to what you asked them. You will also need to answer their questions. The more direct, the better. When you dance around the questions or concerns, the cheater will often take the easy way out. If you are not used to asking direct questions, you may need to practice before talking to your spouse about their cheating.
You will also need to allow them to speak without interrupting them.
If it takes several times of talking to sort things out, that is fine. Assuming that you have to work everything out in one sit down with the cheater will only set yourself and them up for more conflict. One-shot fixes do not work. This is a relationship. That means that the interaction between you and your spouse is often changing and re-adjusting. It takes time to make adjustments.
You may also want to pray before talking to them. When you pray, you will need to make sure that you are able to talk with them out of love and with a loving attitude. No one like tangling with a tiger when they are angry. Approaching the cheater when you are in a rage or thinking that you can use God like a hammer to force them into doing what you want them to do often backfires, leaving the cheater avoiding both you and God.
When you have exhausted your own efforts and the conflicts are at an impasse, you will need to bring in outside help. When you are facing a sexual addiction, you need to bring in outside help. When your safety or life is in danger, you need to bring in outside help. When either you or the cheater has a mental health issue, you will need to bring in outside help. When threats are being made against the life of one of you, outside help needs to be brought in. If either one of you is suicidal, outside help is needed. When there is physical violence, outside help is needed.
The above list is partial, but will give you a place to start in considering when to bring in outside help.
I also address ways of approaching the talk with your spouse in my e-book on surviving your partners affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
