Revenge is powered by fantasies and hurt. These two ingredients combine to make revenge possible. Since both are needed to keep revenge going, stopping them will reduce the likelihood of revenge. The fantasies often involved inflicting pain, paybacks and sufferings. At a deep level people often want to make their spouse suffer the same pain they did. They want them to know how it feels. Since they are often not talking with their spouse, they resort to acting it out. The fantasy often has themes of exerting power or taking control over the other spouse. The other spouse is often de-humanized and made into something that is less than human. By making them less than human, they feel less guilt when inflicting their revenge, since no ‘actual’ human was hurt. This kind of thinking requires some mental gymnastics.
The initial hurt of the affair is often thought about over and over. It takes on an obsessive nature. Things start to become dangerous when the resolute spouse begins filling in the gaps in the mental instant replays with assumptions and fantasies about what happened. It is as if the story becomes more embellished each time it is told.
The solution is to remind oneself of “What are the facts?”. “What do I know for sure?” Keeping things to the facts, without adding elements or spin, will help keep your mind focused. The other key piece is to remind yourself that your spouse is a ‘human’. Granted, they were not acting human when they engaged in infidelity like an animal in heat, but they are human.
These interventions will begin to help you “power down” the desire for revenge. It will not make it totally go away, but it will become more manageable.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
