Have you ever considered the question, “Is your family making you cheat?” Although you make the choices whether or not you cheat, your family may be influencing you in ways you’re not aware of.
Functional families encourage functional behavior and dysfunctional ones, dysfunctional behaviors.
Before you dismiss the idea of “family making you cheat”, consider that affairs often occur as part of a pattern of family dysfunction. Patterns of dysfunction can occur across generations. The pattern of affairs and all that goes with them, (lies, deception, unhealthy relationships, bonding problems) may be part of a larger pattern across generations of family.
Family dynamics influence marriages whether or not you’re aware of what they are. Messages about how men and women are supposed to treat each other, about how conflicts are dealt with and other patterns are passed from one generation to another.
If the way conflicts have been dealt with in the past within your family included affairs, you’re definitely at high risk. Such patterns, like gravity, influence and shape your choices and actions.
Sure, you can change the patterns when you’re aware of them. The problem is that few couples are aware of such patterns. Fewer still know ways of changing those patterns.
Another way families can influence you to cheat is by seducing you or your spouse. This may come as sexually provocative comments, trying to get you or them drunk, or by a direct seduction.
Families often control their members through secrets. The seduction may be one of those secrets. What happens is kept secret, so that you or your spouse can be controlled.
The more dysfunctional families become, the more they use control as a way of keeping their members in line. Functional families rely on trust, love and commitment. Dysfunctional ones rely on secrets, guilt and shame as ways of keeping people in line.
Seduction is also used as a way of establishing dominance or control. Some family members show dominance by seducing other members of the family or extended family.
Family members have also been known to create crises where an affair is presented as a ‘solution’. They put you in a spot where you are vulnerable or stressed out and an affair is the answer.In this case, the family is making you cheat.
Their motive is not your enjoyment, but instead gaining control and possibly breaking up your marriage. When dysfunctional families don’t like your spouse, they may resort to these and other control games.
Once you fall for it, they hold it over you as another form of control. The affair may not be with a family member, but with a ‘good friend’ of the family.
If this sounds like blackmail, it is. Dysfunctional families often use their own forms of blackmail as a way of controlling.
Families are also known for spreading false secrets of affairs as well. In such cases, rumors are spread making it appear as if an affair happened. There are times when rumors of an affair can accomplish their goals as well as an actual affair. If they want to break up you and your spouse, a rumor may work as well as an affair.
The rumors of an affair may show up as ‘stories’, keeping pictures of ‘old flames’ or using suggestive comments insinuating affairs. All that is necessary is planting seeds of doubt. They know that your mind or your spouse’s mind will do the rest of the work.
One mistake some couples make in affair recovery is that they fail addressing the family patterns regarding affairs. Ignoring the family patterns amounts to ignoring a ticking bomb in their midst. The question, “Is your family making you cheat?” is more important than you realize.
This is why family dynamics is one of the issues addressed in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Well. My mother in law, who has always been anti me, was a huge influence in the affairs. She being a person whom had multiple affairs on multiple husbands. During a crisis situation she smelled weakness and moved in. Not only did she encourage affairs as a solution to “the search for happiness”, she invited the old flame over to her house while daughter was there. MIL when in her 40s hooked up with a 20. Guess what. Daughter along with old flame, hooked up with a 20 something. The Bible talks about generational curses. This is what I would call a classic example of such. Now I hold dislike for MIL, but the choices that were made land on her daughter. People can only encourage you, they can not force.
David,
I appreciate you sharing your situation. Your statement “People can only encourage you, they can not force.” is on the money. Family can’t make the affair happen, but they sure can apply pressure and exploit weaknesses. As you stated, “she smelled weakness and moved in”.
Family members can be like sharks smelling blood and are eager to move in.
You are also correct in the Bible talking about generational curses. It also mentions ‘familiar spirits’. When you look at it in term of “family-oriented spirits” it makes more sense and explains the bigger picture of what happens in many families.
I can fully understand your dislike for your MIL. If it were me, it would’ve gone over to despise the MIL for a situation like that. Family members often make weak situation worse than they need to be. They often toss emotional hand grenades into the fray, which complicates things exponentially.
Once the affair is cleaned up, then you have to deal with the family pressures that supported it.