One of the tough challenges in recovering from an affair is getting love back after it’s gone. In reading through responses from readers, you often understand the basics of repentance and forgiveness, yet getting the love back after it’s gone often leads to blank stares or assurances that once it’s gone, it’s gone.
One hot afternoon, I was enjoying a talk with Rick. When the topic of his wife’s affair came up, his whole demeanor changed. Although it happened years prior to us talking, the cold shadow of what she did still touched his life.
“Once the love is gone, it’s over” he said with a determined firmness in his voice. “There is no going back or looking back. It was over.” Although he was firm in his stance, for a moment, he stopped and for a brief moment the look on his face changed to sadness, “…if she had…” he continued, “it might have been different.”
He reacted with surprise when I asked him, “Who quit loving who first?” Although he wanted to say that “she did” with the affair, he knew what he did as well. He subtly changed the topic onto how he gave up hope and talked about how his feelings died.
Rick’s situation is common. The assumption is that “love” is a feeling and that once it dies or gets uncomfortable, things are over. If you view love as a feeling, that position makes sense.
In listening to Rick, his wife regretted her choice and made several attempts at patching things up. Her actions told me another story. She still loved him through her actions. In his pain, he rejects her efforts at reconciling. When you’re hurting, accepting someone trying to love you who had hurt you is not something you want to do.
Rick’s situation revealed to me that the love died, when they quit doing things for each other. It died when the action ceased, rather than when the feelings were bruised.
When you view love as an action, or an act of your will, you can get the love back after it’s gone. Getting the love back requires that you choose doing things that show love. You show that your spouse is important, that you value them, listen to them and cherish them.
They will test your motives. They will try you in order to see if you are just going through the motions, if it is driven by guilt, or if it is genuine love. If you tend to give up easily, you will loose out on getting the love back.
What you may not realize is that emotions follow actions. The emotional sensations of love will always ebb and flow. They fluctuate. They also follow actions. When you continue doing, you’ll continue experiencing loving feelings.
Deep down, Rick knew this. I heard it with his comment, “…if only she had…” There was a part of him that yearned for her love. Unrequited love is a bitter time for anyone going through it. When love is unrequited, it often shrivels up and dies.
If you are looking for ways of restoring the intimacy on a deeper level, you will benefit from the Affair Recovery Workshop. If you need a way to revive a lagging love in your marriage, you will benefit from the 30 Days to a Better Marriage program.
Best Regards,
Jeff
