Leaving a long-term relationship is never an easy thing to do. When a reader queried “How do I leave a longer-term live-in relationship?”, my initial response was, ‘just walk out the door.’
With long-term relationships, bonding occurs. That bonding is one of those items that
adds strength to the relationship. It’s also what makes leaving so difficult. the emotional connectedness is hard to leave.
When the two of you separate, there will be ragged edges. There are always ragged edges when you leave a relationship where there has been bonding.
There is no such thing as a “clean break” when it comes to long-term, live-in relationships.
If you’re looking for an easy, painless way to have a clean break, you won’t find it here.
Since it is a long term live-in relationship, the best way to leave is by walking out the door.You will also want to give yourself permission to leave it (e.g. saying good-bye to relationship). Since there is no commitment, there are no ‘real’ ties. Those ties you feel are the emotional and chemical bonding.
I mention saying good-bye to the relationship. What I mean is that you’ll need to sever the connection between you and the other in your mind and heart.
This is different than physically saying good-bye to the person. Saying good-bye to the lover is optional, saying good-bye to the relationship is not.
When you leave, there will be raw feelings. Those will heal. Mentally, you will recalibrate. Emotionally, the leaving will take as long as you make it take.
There are some roadblocks you’ll face. Much like guards that hunt you down to keep you from leaving a prison, they will chase you as well.
One is the tendency to delay. This urge will say “don’t be hasty”. It knows that when you delay, you won’t do it. It is always willing to give the relationship a few more days or another chance.
Another guard that hunts you down is ‘romanticism’.
When you romanticize the relationship and replay it over and over, it will take longer to leave. Sure there will be memories, and these will fade if you do not enhance them with romanticism.
Physically leaving the relationship starts making the severing real. After they are out of your life, then you can work on getting them out of your head and heart.
If you need to leave the non-committed relationship, there is probably a good reason. That ‘good reason’ should take priority over material possessions and trinkets you may leave behind.
When your heart is set on the possessions and trinkets, you can be trapped. Saving your heart, mind and body take precedence over possessions and trinkets.
If it’s a matter of leaving the lover you had an affair with, RUN! Get your spouse to help you get away. The longer you stay with the lover, the more toxic it will be to you.
I go into greater detail on leaving in the video, “Help For The Cheater: Starting The Road To Recovery“.
Each day you delay taking action on ending the relationship increases the likelihood you won’t end it. For this reason, I STRONGLY encourage you to click the link and order the video today. It’s not being overly dramatic claiming that delay is death.
Part of you may want to put off doing anything. This is the part that wants to keep you in an unhealthy relationship. That part of you is what’s keeping you trapped.
This is why I want you to act right away! The part of you that wants to heal and improve is what you want to strengthen and encourage.
Once the initial break-up occurs, each day will become easier. The longer the affair, the stronger the urges you’ll experience. When you resist giving into them, they begin fading in intensity.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
This is true.Sadly it did not seem to be any problem for my husband to walk out on our marriage of 34 years even as he did not want the OW either. He used the idea that he was a better man without any close relationships .
He seemed to think being with me in marriage was “dishonest” -so he cut me off with the exception of continuing to pay the bills which somehow was more honorable than fulfilling his marriage vows and working on being a man of true integrity
The worlds definitions of integrity seem to be based upon what you can get other people to believe is true rather than genuine and authentic upright character. This is another casualty of the lies of post modernism and situation ethics
Now some 8 + years after DDay and 2+ years of him having his “ideal” life we who are left to deal with reality are still hurting though moving through our lives with a continuing underlying awareness of the loss of his part of this family.
Though he SAYS he loves our daughters his actions and especially his treatment of me which is as if I do not exist Nd his willingness to cast all of his responsibilities for my care upon them leaves a demonstration of incalculable immaturity and selfishness
While they feel a need to “be” here for me despite my ability to live alone sufficiency they have a loyalty to me at the expense of their own youth and adult lives which , though commendable is of concern to me.
“Moving on” for them is proving a lot more difficult in many ways because we are not OF the cultural norms of the day in terms of how young women meet and develop relationships and among believers this dynamic presents difficulties for my daughters in getting into any relationships of depth.
Shame is not supposed to land upon them yet it presents yet another obstacle for them being able to move on into the hope of meeting and developing deeper relationships with others
Moving so frequently has not helped but other factors seemed to have made connecting in this last move and then DDay almost unsermountable
My husband’s way of relating to me….and his effort to mKe his way of life acceptable to our adult children only makes learning to trust others esp of the opposite sex that much harder
Zaza,
The twisted logic of cheater is often aggravating to deal with or understand. This is part of the double-mindedness that often develops. They claim ‘morality’ and ‘honesty’, yet how that works out is often a patchwork of piecemeal moral standards. They take a little of this and that. In their mind they are taking a moral stand, but it is not a consistent one. They take enough stands to maintain some personal ‘cognitive stability’, yet not enough to be morally consistent to outsiders.
True True. In the meantime I leave Him to the Lord and pray daily and often that his heart will turn to the Lord as there is no other way than Jesus Christ to reconcile to God the Father and to anyone else who is OF the faith.
In the meantime also I have been enjoying learning more and more from the Word of GOD and listening to various teachers…presently Jacob Prasch who offers a lot of insight and wisdom from the jewish perspective { NOT the Hebrew Roots movement as his site Moriel.com explains well for those concerned about that]
I have enjjoyed particularly the video link on Youtube which was filmed when he took some believers to Israel on a study tour…not site seeing persay.
You may enjoy this one which is in seven parts…it is entitled The Seventh Millennium.
I have been learning some bits and pieces of Hebrew perspective on scripture as the first Christians were Jews and had these understandings which are opening many areas of understanding about things said and their significance in the New Testament. I hightly recommend watching or listening with a pen in hand as there is a lot of what will be useful to go and seek to see if it is so in scripture just as the Bereans did. I have found myself stopping and replaying many things since it is rather rapid fire truths that will thrill the student of the Word.
Much as you offer encouragement to those hurting from infidelity the Word of GOd taught brings healing to our souls no matter what else is going on in our lives.
Those who choose to live in sin are deceived and are missing out so we pray for them despite our feelings ..it is a command of the Lord and worthy to be obeyed in it’s eventual outcome for the good of all.
Blessings upon you my friend