Like changes in the weather, anniversary reactions will come. Although I address anniversary reactions in greater detail in one of my e-books, it’s a topic needing further attention, especially with the narrow focus of disclosure day.
The days that change you life leave scars. When the change is as dramatic as “disclosure day” (the day you discover the affair), the scars are significant. There are many types of scars that you’ll experience.
With anniversary reactions, there may be a re-experiencing of strong emotions. Those strong sensations you had that day can be re-triggered.
Part of the reason for this is because of the intense imprinting that happened that day. New brain pathways were created. Those new connections changed your thinking, and your emotions.
With extremely intense imprinting, chemical changes occur in other parts of your body as well. The damage is not limited to your brain.
If disclosure day involved any violence or abuse, there may also be other body memories as well. Your mind may rationalize things, but your body remembers. It remembers where you were, what you were wearing, and so much more. It’ll remind you of what happened and what you felt.
Like a skip in a record, the imprinting of that day left a mark that creating a new pattern. Every year when that same time comes around, you will encounter the scar of the ‘skip’ or imprint. The intensity often fades over time, but it routinely returns.
You may not even need to look at a calendar. Your mind, heart and body have an internal clock that remembers.
On the anniversary, you can choose to either fight or go with the reactions. Fighting them often re-activates them and makes the experience more intense.
When you know that you are going to be moody, restless, sensitive and irritable, then you may want to keep the day low-key. Try doing things you like so that you can use the sensitivity in a positive way, rather than reacting and fighting with everyone you encounter.
You may need to remind yourself that you are not loosing your mind. You’re not going crazy. It is merely your mind and body re-experiencing the trauma. It was a new experience for you.
Reminding yourself what day and year it is will help you stay oriented.
Remember that as a child, when you had new experiences, you rehearsed them over and over until you mastered them, whether it was dance moves or some superhero move you saw in the movies.
Your rehearsal led to mastery. Although you are grown up now, the same dynamics are at work. You’ll have to rehearse it until you master it. In rehearsing it, you can try different responses to see if you handle it better.
When you handle it effectively, you can gain new insights about you, your marriage and discover new options.
If the pain never subsides much or you can’t soothe yourself, you are in ‘affair trauma’. You need stronger interventions in getting unstuck. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you in getting unstuck at such times.
You don’t have to struggle or suffer. Order your copy today and start moving past the disclosure day aftershocks.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Disclosure anniversary day. April 24, 2014, I found the lovely photos a coworker had sent my husband. By the time I found out about their relationship, she was already no longer working there. April 25 was our 11th anniversary. Happy anniversary to me. Last year, both the 24th and 25th were difficult for me. He claims they never slept together, but I will always have doubt for a reason I won’t say here. A few times I told him to leave, go be with her, but he wouldn’t go. We eventually decided to work on it, and for the most part it’s going fairly well. If I’m having a day where I’m struggling with it, I let him know. That way if I accidentally come off as bitchy, he’ll know why. He does his best to reassure me. For a long time, he’s done nothing to make me feel like he’s up to no good again. But there are still days where it kills me. He had his fling at a time when I was down with severe anxiety and depression. He didn’t want to work the hard way to help, so he took the easy way out to make himself feel better. I can only hope he’s learned it takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage last, that it won’t just be easily handed to him.
I’ve heard claims that the cheater feels worse about the pain they have caused than the hurt experienced by the one cheated on. Not sure I agree with that. In a couple months, I’ll experience disclosure day again, anniversary the following day. Hope this year I don’t feel the pain quite as bad.
I’m new to your site. Hope I can find some things to help. Thank you.
Robin,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope your ‘D-day anniversary is not as bad as previous ones’ as well. Anniversary reactions are common. They fade over time when the couple are working on resolving their issues.
Letting him know the days you are struggling is definitely a step in the right direction. Such action shows that the two of you have made strides in improving your communication. When you say “he does his best to reassure me” does that mean that he tries to lessen the pain or that he attempts working with you to find where the pain is coming from? Getting you out of the pain will only keep the cycle going. Finding out the root source of the pain and resolving it at that level would move the two of you forward.
I hope you can find things to help as well. I am working on some teleseminars on topics that readers told me that they were most interested in. I think you will find those of interest.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah