Do you want your marriage healed? Although this sounds like something that you obviously want, you need to seriously ask yourself this question. Let’s assume that you want your marriage healed. The next question that matters is whether you’re willing to do the work of addressing the issues needing attention.
The harsh truth is that laziness is a major reason for many couples not surviving an affair. You may not have ever considered it before, yet that doesn’t change this reality.
The psychiatrist Richard P. Fitzgibbons summed it up well when he pointed out that some couples who struggle with an affair “do not want to engage in the hard work of addressing personality conflicts which can be resolved.”
You may want the healed marriage, yet avoid doing the work involved. It requires effort in overcoming the conflicts and issues leading to the affair in the first place. It’s difficult for both parties to open up about their feelings and personal history, which can be uncomfortable.
That is why marriage counseling can be beneficial in this situation. An experienced counselor knows how to ask the right questions so that you both can explore the underlying issues of the affair.
One way this avoidance shows up is in going to a marriage counselor with the expectation of them doing all the work. It’s up to you to do the marital work, not them. In fact, one study found that couples going to marriage counseling are 2-3 times more likely to divorce than those who don’t.
There are various reasons for this. One is going into counseling with the expectation that the counselor will ‘heal’ your marriage. They can help you and your spouse see what needs work, but it’s going to be up to both of you to work on fixing the problems.
Part of the work requires honesty about what’s really going on. One couple, let’s call them Judy and Don, wondered why they had marital problems. Judy and Don came to me for help.
They came to the sessions regularly, yet omitted telling me that they agreed before each session what topics would be avoided including their foray into swinging.
It was only after they called it quits that they admitted their fear of being judged kept them from sharing this crucial bit of information. Keeping secrets like that keep the couple locked into an unhealthy pattern.
They actively sabotaged their counseling and wanted to blame me for not ‘fixing’ their relationship. They weren’t willing to do the work of addressing the real problems.
They wanted to avoid embarrassment, and shame and deal with the real issues. They ended up damaging their own marriage all going back to their not wanting to do the hard work.
I’ll be honest with you. Recovering from the affair requires effort. Downloading the “Affair Recovery Workshop” is only the beginning. Once you download it, there are things you need to do beyond just watching it.
There’s work involved. If you want results without effort, the Affair Recovery Workshop isn’t for you. On the other hand, if you want your marriage healed and are willing to do ‘what it takes’, you’ll know what to do with the workshop.
So instead of just talking about healing your marriage, the time has come for you to do something about it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
