Lately I have received a growing number of emails with some variation of ‘What do I do?” You also may have felt that way. In the midst of reacting to the affair and your own emotional crisis, you find yourself feeling helpless, confused and looking for answers. You may be one of those who already knows what they are going to do, yet just want some validation from others before you do it. A more honest question in such situations is to tell others what you are planning on doing and get their opinion. Playing helpless in such situations is dishonest with them and yourself.
There are some of you who are truly feeling helpless and looking for answers. That is good! It is not a pleasant place to be mentally, emotionally or spiritually, but it is a good place to be. Before you boil over with indignation, let me explain. When you are finally truly in a helpless state, you are at the point where you are finally open to options you either never saw before, or never realized the need to make changes in your marriage. When you are confused, you are mentally at a point that you are willing to make changes. Prior to that point, most of you would continue a business as usual approach to life and your marriage. When you are helpless, you are finally willing to let go of that and seriously address the issues in front of you.
Those of you who are gaming others and yourself already know what you are going to do and you just want validation when you act helpless. The truly helpless are looking for answers and are willing to explore the options.
When you are truly helpless, and honestly looking at options, you can seriously look at the question of what you “really” want. Do you want out of the pain or do you want to heal the relationship. They are not the same thing. Each will take you in a different direction.
Honesty will start with you. You need to be honest with yourself, before you can expect your cheating spouse to be honest with you. This also includes the questions you pose. If you are honestly helpless and confused, that is one thing. If you are acting that way to manipulate or play on others sympathies, eventually they will see through that game.
Today is a good day to start being honest with yourself, what you are feeling and what you really want.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
