When you take a look at popular culture, one of the things that stands out is a severe shortage of healthy role models. Occasionally one comes along with a healthy, functional marriage, morals and good character, but they are few and far between.
What you see a lot of is ‘weirdness’. You see so much weirdness, that you would swear that there is a campaign to normalize weirdness. Most of the couples on television and the movies are twisted in some manner. Most have character flaws, bad families or have questionable morals. These days, the ‘weird’ is displayed as the new normal. As part of the weirdness, affairs are portrayed as ‘common’ and no big deal.
If you dare to point out the weirdness in any kind of unflattering manner, you are viewed as being ‘weird’ or possible ostracized. Although you see the weirdness, you are often not allowed to question it. This puts you in a strange place. You feel all the discomfort, but are not allowed to have an honest discussion about the discomfort you feel with others, even at church or local events. Somehow speaking out is considered being intolerant, which is the new ‘evil’.
When I see the portrayal of affairs and weirdness as the new normal, it leaves me feeling manipulated. It as if there is an organized propaganda campaign to normalize dysfunction and weirdness to the point that if you are not having an affair, don’t have character flaws and good morals, you are a freak that no longer fits in.
You not only do not fit in, your relationships are now plain jane, if not boring. Being married to the same man or same woman is now equated with staleness, lifeless and boring. Although your relationship is not that way, it is portrayed as being that way.
This is part of the reason I encourage you to not indulge in popular culture such as watching a lot of movies or television when you are trying to get past an affair. The more of the popular culture you ingest, the more you will view weird as normal, affairs as routine and grow accustomed to bad morals.
When you are moving past an affair, you want you and your marriage to be the best it can be. You are not wanting things to just get tolerable, or what you are willing to put up with. The goals you set and strive for will determine the direction of your life and your marriage.
You will also be surprised at what you are willing to ‘settle for’. When you start ‘settling for’ or tolerating weirdness, you are actually lowering your standards and letting go of your boundaries. Popular culture is not where you will find good role models. It is not where you find good examples of what to strive for. If you want the best, you will have to strive for the best, not settle for the second best or worse.
I encourage you to sit down and write out goals for what you want your marriage to be, rather than letting the weirdness of popular culture shape and form those goals for you. Make a list of what your idea of an ideal marriage is and compare this with your spouse. This is a place to start. It will also give the two of you a point to start building and striving toward.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
