Affairs are bathed in lies. Besides the whole relationship being based on a lie, the life of an affair is based on how long the lie can continue and then whether or not the affair comes to an end often relies on lies. With so many lies and such a dependency on lies, how can you know the truth?
When you have a relationship so covered in lies, it effects all the relationships around it. One of the relationships effected is that of the parent and the children. When a child is surrounded by the lies what effects will it have? Although I do not address parenting as often as affairs, you need to consider some things.
First, the child will learn that they can not trust the parent doing the lying, and if its bad enough, that distrust can spread to both parents. Children are often gullible. They want to believe you. They trust what you tell them. That trust is a special thing. When you use that ‘blind trust’ or ‘unconditional trust’ to plant a lie, you are asking for trouble.
You may not see the consequences of your actions right away. Since many cheater think in the short term, they do not consider the long term impact of their lies. They want to get out of a sticky situation quickly. Lies provide a way to pull yourself out of a sticky situation in the short run. You may save face or embarrassment or manage hiding some unsavory act for the moment.
When children learn to distrust their parent, they start seeing through the lies. They look beyond what you tell them and start looking at motives and payoffs. Without realizing it, you have taught them the importance of the value system of “What’s in it for me?”. You teach them to evaluate interactions in terms of payoffs and motives.
They not only learn that they can not trust what you say, they also learn that they need to be careful about what they tell you. When distrust happens, it impacts relationships both ways, what you tell them and what they tell you.
Secondly, when children are exposed to massive lying, they develop temporal value systems. They start to value quick fixes and soon master the verbal skills to lie on their own. You teach them that appearances are more important than morals.
You may think, “Well I never…” If you were lying to protect yourself, or someone else, you probably did. You may have never considered how you quick fix lies worked and what you were really teaching your children.
They watch who you lie to, how you lie, and how you sell the lie. They also see how you cover things up. They will also eventually see the motives behind your lies.
Thirdly, the value system they learn when lies are plentiful is one of pragmatics. They learn that lies are acceptable when they are to accomplish a goal. Right and wrong become whether or not you get away with things. Doing right becomes a matter of not getting caught. Doing right is not longer a matter of commitment to morals or being a good person.
Fourth, you are showing them the importance of selfishness. You are showing your children that anything you do to save yourself is acceptable, no matter who it hurts. Is this the value system you want them to learn?
The next time you start thinking about anything less than the truth, consider what you are actually teaching your children. You are telling them that you can not be trusted, that they can not believe what you tell them, that they need to look beyond what you are telling them to find out what is ‘really’ going on, and that lies are good when you don’t get caught. Is this what you really want them to learn?
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
