A reader asked the question “What’s the difference between forgiveness and repentance?” I was glad to see such a question come in. Although I’d love to deep dive into the question, I have limited time and space in this format. Instead, today, I’ll focus my attention on the topic of repentance.
First, the question above tells me that some of you are seriously looking into forgiveness and the issues associated with it. This is very different than the typical “How to deal with infidelity?” or “How to rebuild trust?” kinds of questions that are more frequent.
Repentance is what the betraying party or the offender is responsible for. Repentance happens when they actually ‘repent’ for what they’ve done and the pain it brought into your life.
Genuine repentance is more that saying “I’m sorry” for what happened. This response sends the message that they regret getting found out or caught. It sounds nice, yet has no remorse or repentance for their actions.
With repentance, the choice of words used by the betrayer gives you an idea of how serious they are.
When I hear a repenting spouse, I listen to see if it contains the important elements. I’m hesitant to share them in an email with cheaters since they often use what I tell them as a recipe to follow in restoring their marriage rather than a genuine heart-felt repentance. They want to be coached on what to say rather than speaking from their heart.
In my video on forgiveness, I point out what those important elements are. A cheater can have all the correct elements, yet you’ll know whether it’s heart-felt repentance or not.
It the repentance isn’t coming from their heart, it’s not going to last.
They may not have clue concerning the difference between regret over getting caught and genuine remorse for the affair. When they mean business, you’ll see all the key elements of genuine repentance without anyone having coached them on what to say and how to do it.
I know when a cheater is doing the coaching thing when they return to me saying “I did what you told me to do, said what you told me to say, and it didn’t work.” When I hear that, I know right away that they’re just going through the motions of repentance.
The timing of repentance also tells you a great deal as well. Some cheater start making repentance sounds in order to stop discussions concerning the affair.
When that happens, they’re using repentance as a pattern interrupt. Once again, that’s not genuine repentance. When that happens, they’re playing you.
Understanding all the parts of forgiveness is an important part of your affair recovery. This is why I put together the video on forgiveness. So many couples were taking a slipshod approach to forgiveness that I saw the need for addressing the topic.
In the video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks”, I walk you through what forgiveness is along with HOW you do it. I also address the differences between forgiveness and repentance for you.
Since forgiveness is one of those things that you’ll be doing several times, it helps having help available to watch whenever you need some refreshing on the topic.
Most affair recovery specialists and even churches only talk about forgiveness rather than walking you through a proven technique in forgiving. Since most people have never been shown how to forgive, they make common mistakes and leave emotional issues unresolved.
Order your copy today, so that you no longer find yourself leaving forgiveness related issues half-done.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
