There have been many discussions about what does or does not constitute adultery. In the traditional definition used by old time scholars, “adultery” is when actual intercourse occurs. With such a definition of adultery, there is a lot of gray areas. This is where the term infidelity comes in. Infidelity can be defined as being disloyal to one’s spouse. With this definition, when the person begins fantasizing about their paramour instead of their spouse, they become an infidel. A preacher once commented that “adultery happens in the head before it happens in the bed”. I find this to be a valid observation, in most cases, the infidelity begins with the fantasies. In my own mind, I believe the pulling away of affection from the spouse is where it begins. Once the pulling away begins, the affections will find something or someone to focus on. This is where the fantasizing starts. The fantasizing phase can vary in length of time. Some spouses stay at this phase for years. In many ways, there is a mental role playing that goes on as they work up confidence. It is only a short distance from fantasizing to acting out. Once a paramour is selected, the “grooming” process begins. The grooming can be within the fantasies or in actuality. Jokes are made, looks exchanged and touching begins with the intent of testing boundaries. Once the boundaries are where the infidel feels comfortable with, they make their move. Since it has been mentally rehearsed many times, they begin a series of behaviors where the contact is intended to take them to erotic relations. There are times that the relationship stays at this level, but most often it continues on, until consummated. Although some would say that at that point, there is adultery, I believe the process starts long before that. Not only does the process start, the damage has also been inflicted by that time as well.
In a marriage, there can be many of the effects of an affair long before a physical relationship has occurred. When the process starts, the spouses often sense that something is not right, even though they can’t always identify what is missing. This will provide you with some understanding of the process. Keep in mind that when an infidel in in the process of setting up or experiencing an affair, they may shift their definition of adultery, so they can deny any accusations.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
