Discovering that your parents or in-laws are adulterous is shocking news. Although you’re now grown, this kind of discovery is unsettling.
The people you thought you knew, you suddenly realize that you didn’t know as well as you thought. Although they use the excuse that what they’re doing only impacts the lover and their marriage, the reality is that what they did impacts you.
Even when you try taking the news in stride, with a business as usual attitude, the reality is that the relationship has changed. The discovery changes how you think about them and how you deal with them.
Whether you want to believe it or not, news of their affair changes things. You may tell yourself that ‘nothing’s different’, but you’re fooling yourself.
Once you know a relative cheats, you start considering questions. Among those questions are concerns about trust, honesty and loyalty. Since they cheated on their spouse, what assurances do you have they’ll be there when you need them.
You wonder if you can trust anything they tell you. Compartmentalizing them by saying you trust what they say in every area except relationships amounts to playing mind games with yourself.
Can you trust them with your kids? Would they be honest with you if anything did happen involving your children? How do you explain to your kids what they did?
You may even tell yourself, “Well, that just Bob” or “That’s just Amy being Amy.” Taking this position leaves you vulnerable. They violated the solemn oath of marriage.
What makes you think that they’ll abide by other agreements or promises? The solemn promise didn’t stop them.
Perhaps you have a ‘special’ relationship with them. You think that you and your family are immune to the potential problems.
Considering yourself ‘special’ in some way makes you feel good, but it does little in terms of creating safety.
Although the relationship has been damaged, there are things that can be done to improve it. One thing you can do is rebuild the trust.
In my video “How Can I Trust You Again?”, you can learn what to do in order to rebuild the trust that’s been lost. You’ll gain clarity about what trust is and all its moving parts.
The first step is believing that it can be repaired. The next is clicking and downloading the video so that you can start the trust rebuilding in your relationship.
You don’t have to stay estranged or distant from each other. The tension in the family only makes any family gatherings more tense and stressful than necessary.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
