It would be nice if you could say good-bye once and be done with everything. All relations and connections severed with one good-bye.
The reality is that the good-bye starts the process of severing. It starts the letting go of the memories, fantasies, hopes, and dreams.
It’s a matter of letting go of each segment and then redefining your place in the world and who you are. When there is a lover, you often redefine yourself in relation to that lover.
Letting go of the lover means letting go of a part of who you are. Once that is let go of, you have to redefine who you are. Redefine your goals, heal your heart.
You can now be a husband or wife with your whole heart, soul and being, rather than only allowing portions of yourself to be engaged and relating.
It is best not to drag out the good-bye’s. There’s no way you’ll be able to tie up all the loose strings. Once you find one, you will discover others.
Select a day and then do it. On that day begin the severing of yourself and your lover.
It will free up more of your heart and more of your mind. Rather than leading a split-existence, you can be whole. Wounded, yes, but still whole.
You’ll also need a house cleaning of your social media as well. Scrub social media and list of contact of the lover and the lover’s close friends.
When you need a support community of those going through similar challenges, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find forums, articles and video resources geared to help you through these challenges.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
If you’ve been in a long-term relationship over a number of years, this is the definition you have have yourself. This is you, this union with your partner. You have a long series of memories that you’ve shared that constitute the reality of your life. It is not easy to let go. But, as you said, sometimes you really don’t have a choice. It makes it a little bit more understandable to view it as process that will take time. There are no easy answers, but, that’s okay. You still have your choices. No one can ever take those away.
Ending the long term is a process. The resolute spouse often has trouble understanding that. They think “Why can’t they just end it and its’ over?” They can end it, but removing the roots, memories and dreams takes time. It takes time to readjust and re-align yourself. In common language, it takes time to get your stuff together.
With so many wonderful hopes, dreams, fantasies and memories, why did the cheater return to the resolute spouse? Why didn’t the cheater file for divorce and leave? The cheater has the opportunity to live a full life with the lover- isn’t the lover the “kindred spirit” that we all dream of sharing our lives with? Why did the cheater go back to the spouse?
Deborah,
The cheater does not always return to the spouse, although in a majority of cases, they do. The reasons for returning are many. Since no two affairs are the same, there is not one magic reason why the cheater returns. In some cases, it is guilt, or the children, or finally seeing through the illusions, or seeing that the resolute spouse is committed, etc.
One of the lines from an Anne Sexton poem that addresses the topic, uses the image of how the lover is water color and washes off, whereas the resolute spouse is a solid, dependable person that can be counted on.
In some cases, they return, but do not know the reason at the time of their return.