The recent disclosure of the data breach at Ashley Madison has brought infidelity to the front of many people’s minds. The adultery promoting site’s data breach now has bankers nervous, and many people scrambling to spin the information at both the company and those who use the service.
One researcher (Lauren Rosenwarne) in Australia took the stand that signing up for a site like Ashley Madison does not make you an adulterer. While she is at it, she also adds her snide attacks on Christian values along the way. Her logic is that just signing up for a service like Amazon does not make you a customer, etc.
I disagree with her position.
When a person signs up, they are entering the world of adultery. They are already engaging in adultery in their mind. The fantasy of an affair is alive and well in their heads.
In terms of fantasy, they are already “doing it”. In their heart, they have already left their marriage. In terms of your mind, the fantasy is very real. This is what the appeal of virtual affairs is all about. You have all the action in your head, without physically consummating anything.
Technically, you have not engaged in adultery, but emotionally and mentally, all the affair baggage is there. The shame and guilt are there. The emotional drawing away from your spouse is there.
There is a truth to the saying “It happens in your head before it happens in the bed”. This is because the affair is acted out repeatedly in the cheater’s mind before they take action. They rehearse the affair before they execute the affair.
Let me illustrate with the example of building a house. When you build a house at what point does it become a house? Is it when the plans are drawn, when the foundation is poured, when the framing goes up, when the roof is put on, or when you move in?
You can say that it is ‘not’ a house because you nor anyone else has moved into it which is similar to the Australian writer’s position. My position is that the house is in the process of being built.
At no stage is the house not a house. It does not magically become one because you move into it. The different stages of construction are just that, different stages along the way.
In a similar manner, the fantasy begins the affair. Signing up to Ashley Madison or some other cheating site is another stage in the construction of an affair.
The physical consummation is when you move in. Saying that signing up for sites like Ashley Madison does not make you an adulterer to me is playing word games. Those who sign up are in the process of having an affair. Some are further along than others.
My reasoning for this position has come about from dealing with the effects of affairs, be they emotional affairs, fantasies generated by porn or other manifestations. From dealing with the effects, I have come to the position that infidelity is part of a process.
The process is often a slippery slope that once begun is hard to turn back from. If those marriages where someone had a fantasy affair, or whose affairs were ‘only emotional’ did not experience the same symptoms as couples where there has been an affair, I would look at it differently.
If you have faced an emotional affair, you know what I am talking about.
In terms of the snide remarks that “the gays were cheapening marriage”, this counselor has been addressing the topic of affairs and the danger of affairs for a long time. I do agree that affairs pose a major threat to marriage.
Affairs have been cheapening marriage and destroying families for a long time. I see affairs as a bigger threat to marriages and families than other issues. Her comments were a broad brush slam against a large segment of the population.
Best Regards,
Jeff
