It’s rare that I read a book just for enjoyment. Last month I read a book that was totally out of character for me called ‘Dogwatching’.
From reading it, I learned more things about dogs than I imagined possible. It gave me a new appreciation for them. There are important lessons I can learn from my dogs.
One of the things that struck me was how dogs find their way home.
They rely on smell, and to some degree magnetic fields. On reading this I reacted “Magnetic Fields? For real?”
Although it sounds far out, there have been studies where strong magnets were set up along a dog’s pathway. The magnets disturbed the dogs ability to find its way home. I never suspected that magnetic fields had such an impact on dogs.
In a similar way, there are forces that impact you in ways you don’t understand. You don’t see them, but their effects change you. One of those forces is shame.
Shame keeps you from getting help. You don’t want to admit your marriage is in trouble. You don’t want to be ‘that guy’.
Shame is what keeps you stuck in the suffering. Shame keeps your mind focused on what happened to you.
Shame keeps you from reaching out to others. I makes you shut your mouth rather than share your struggles.
Shame paralyzes you and shuts you down. Even though it was the cheater that had the affair, the shame associated with it impacts you.
It may even have you questioning if you are attractive enough, or sexy enough or thin enough or some other area of inadequacy. You get stuck in blaming yourself for their bad choice.
Like the magnetic field’s effect on dogs, shame exerts its power over you. It keeps you from where you could be. It keeps you off balance.
Not only does shame ruin your life now, it continues into the future as well, until you do something about it. Ignoring shame or giving into it only allows its influence to grow in size and power.
A friend of mine pointed out “Shame has the same biological signature as trauma“. His comment lit the insight bulb in my head. It gave me hope.
Since shame has the same biological signature as trauma, the same interventions that work with trauma will work in reducing shame as well. This means that you only have to deal with shame as long as you give into it. You don’t have to be eternally paying for what the cheater did.
They’re the ones making bad choices, but you’re the one suffering.
In the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you can learn techniques that reduce shame as well. That invisible power of shame in your life can be neutralized.
You can reclaim your life and live it without shame crippling you any longer.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
