Affairs leave scars on everyone involved. You may think that because the scars are more emotional than physical that they are less severe. That is definitely not the case. The emotional scars and damage to non-tangibles like ‘loyalty’ and ‘trust’ are very severe. Since I covered ‘trust’ in “How Can I Trust You Again?“, we will focus on loyalty.
When loyalty is wounded by an affair, or affairs, the healing is slow and painful, if it heals at all. Loyalty is a special bond that when broken is hard to repair. It is not something that can be mended with surgery or put back in place. When loyalty is wounded, your feelings retain some aspect of rawness and sensitivity to any perceived rejection.
The bonds of loyalty or ‘loyalty bonds‘ are very powerful. They are at work in many parts of your life, that you may not have considered. They impact your marriage and also your consumer behaviors.
Consider how you remain loyal to certain brands, churches, restaurants, entertainers or stores even when there has been poor service or you have been mistreated. You may even have made excuses about how they had a bad day or some quirk. You remain a loyal customer, even though you have not been treated right.
When it comes to your marriage, the loyalty bonds are stronger. They still shape, and distort your ability to see the truth and deal with hurts. You made excuses for your favorite companies, so what is to stop you from making excuses for your spouse?
Eventually, when there has been enough bruising or damage to your loyalty bond, you will finally wake up. You realize that something is wrong. After the ‘wake-up’ it may take a little while before you take action and admit that the loyalty has been damaged. The question at that point is how severe the damage was.
When you wake up to the damage, you will find yourself sensitive to loyalty issues. Your spouse may say that you are overly sensitive or over reactive to things. They only see the outward manifestation of the scar of wounded loyalty. When they only see the outward evidence, it is hard for some of them to understand.
Although all affairs involve betrayal, not all affairs are about changed loyalties. Your spouse’s heart may have retained its loyalty to you. The affair may have been a totally sexual thing with no intention of being disloyal. Although your mind understands these things, your emotions may not. The affair still carries with it betrayal and disloyalty which means that you still struggle through those issues, whatever the intentions of the cheater are.
There may be times that you wonder if the loyalty can ever be re-established. This is a tough question to consider. The special bond that connected both of you has been damaged, if not destroyed. In my mind, although loyalty can recover from being wounded, it is a different story with damage and destruction. When those occur, I do not see it possible to recover what you once had.
Does that mean that there is no hope for you? NO, it does not. There is hope. Although the original loyalty bond was damaged beyond repair, you can work toward building a new loyalty bond. Your relationship will be different. It has to be different. If it was like your previous loyalty bond, you would always be leery regarding loyalty issues. Although your mind and heart may tell yourself that there is loyalty, your body remembers what happened. Those memories will recall the pain, and often go off without warning.
You and your spouse will have to consider a new definition of loyalty. You and your spouse will have to have a whole new foundation to your relationship. Your loyalty will have to have a new focus. Assuming loyalty based on vows you made in a marriage ceremony will no longer work.
Prior to the affair, the two of you could operate on the basis of “Just trust me” type of loyalty. After an affair, that is gone. A new loyalty bond is needed. The new loyalty bond will have a different structure. The new one will involve greater communication and awareness. It will be based more on knowledge. (I go into more detail on this in the Affair Recovery Workshop).
Loyalty requires something to hold onto. It requires a solid foundation, especially after an affair. Many times relapse occurs when couples attempt rebuilding/repairing old loyalty bonds rather than creating bonds with a new foundation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
