One of the roadblocks to improving the marriage after an affair is grievances. Those who have suffered or been the victims of some wrong often hold onto the incident in such a way it becomes an obstacle. When the grievance is used as a ‘justification’ for not forgiving or for not working things out, it becomes and obstacle. Yes the pain is real. Yes it is not fair. Very little about what happened was fair. By holding onto the past hurts, you are not allowing things to be worked out now. The past hurts are preventing the relationship from being healed.
If you want the relationship to experience healing you will have to let go of the grievance. Yes, you can talk about the pain. What needs to stop is using the pain to hurt others and keep them from getting close to you. You will need to dismantle or take apart the painful episodes rather than use them for ammunition. Fighting off hurt with more hurt makes people want to avoid you rather than draw closer to you. Grievances are what feed revenge and addictions. It is not worth holding onto such grievances being that you want reconciliation.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
