Do you want to pick a fight? You may have picked more fights than you imagined. Have you ever given thought to how you go about picking fights? Picking fights is often part of married life. It could be that unless you’re a professional provocateur, you may not know when and how you are picking fights with your spouse.
You may be a pugilist (fighter) and not know it.
When it comes to picking fights, the scene from Braveheart when William Wallace leaves his men right when negotiations are underway. They ask ‘Where are you goin’? ” He turned his horse and answered “To pick a fight.”
When it comes to marriages, fighting is often about finding a way of connecting with your spouse. If the two of you have been close lately, the fights don’t last long. If the two of you have been busy or distracted, the fights are longer and more intense. This is not by accident.
You want their attention. I learned as a counselor, that bad attention, including the kind associated with fights is better than no attention. When you’re not given attention, there can be feelings of desperation and being devalued.
There are many ways of picking fights. You can use ‘trigger words‘ or ‘topics’ that you know will set your spouse off. You know from experience what words will start action.
It’s not by accident that such words and phrases are called ‘fightin’ words’. Name calling and put downs are often softer trigger words. Such words are used to get reactions.
When those don’t work, you can lecture or nag. These don’t get immediate results, but when you keep them up long enough, they will trigger a fight reaction.
I’ve also seen some couples who used affairs or rumors of affairs to pick a fight. They know that these actions will not just get your attention, they grab you and drag you into things. In some cases, the fight gets so intense that the affair gets lost.
The important question worth considering is “What’s the payoff of this fight?”
When you ask that question, it helps move you past the distractions to what’s really important. That is hard for people who get so emotionally engaged they can’t see straight. Make no mistake, there’s always a payoff.
The ebook, “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” will provide you with further insights into moving past the fights and fight pickin’ including addressing such issues as spying and other provocative actions.
Best Regards,
Jeff
