What does the research on relationships say?
The motivations for a single woman to seek the companionship of a married man are varied. It would be a mistake to assume that single women in those situations all share the same motivations. Some single women do indeed seek out married men. Since the motivations are varied, when a man is married, overweight or loosing their hair does not mean that there are no longer any women seeking them out.
In some cases they are driven by attraction. Behavioral scientists are still researching attraction between people and what motivates it. The present state of research into the area by John Jacobs has identified the four main factors behind attraction as:
1) distress
2) identity enhancement
3) aging and social pressure
4) sexual desires.
These factors are at work in all relationships, not just single women and the married men they are attracted to. With single women, they take on some unique attributes.
Distress and other factors
In the case of distress, the married man is often seen as a ticket out of their situation. The present situation or status is viewed as being stressful. The married man is viewed as being the vehicle or way out of the situation. In such cases, both parties are using the other for convenience. Although the married man may legitimately be trying to help a maiden in distress, the help is often sexualized and turns into something else. In some cases the sexualizing of the relationship is accidental, in some cases, it is intentional.
With identity enhancement, the married man is seen as a way to improve who they are. The married man is viewed as having something that they are missing. The myth behind this one is that the married man will “complete me”. This is one of the reasons that some single women fall in love with their pastors, teachers, professors, or other person of some social standing. The married man is viewed as essential to their achieving their potential.
Aging and social pressure are powerful motivators. Rather than be seen as a spinster or even out of fears of being a spinster, the single woman often feels driven to take action. The intensity of this drive increases as age increases. Along with age are the social pressures. One person explained it to me that “nature abhors a vacuum”. For various reasons, a single woman whether from the death of a spouse, or divorce often finds herself being pressured by others to have a relationship than stay single.
Sexual and Romantic attraction
Sexual desires are also a strong motivator. With the use of sexual performance enhancing drugs, and loosening morals there are increased emphases on sexual activity. The increased pressure on people to have sexual relations also impacts single women and married men. When faced with tempting situations or over stimulation, they are vulnerable to acting on their sexual urges. There are various factors that drive this desire. In some cases, smell, visual attraction, cultural issues or the excitement of something different are all factors in the who one people find themselves sexually attracted to. A close cousin to sexual attraction is romantic attraction. In such cases, the single woman needs the emotional stimulation that sex or romantic involvement bring. Like a drug addict, they go from relationship to relationship seeking a buzz. Such people only feel like themselves when they are at the heightened levels stimulation that such romantic and sexual liaisons provide.
In my own dealing with people, I have also seen other factors at work. One of the reasons given to me by a single woman was “security”. She relayed that she intentionally picked someone who was married to have a relationship with. She wanted a relationship that would not lead to a commitment. She wanted to be with someone who had the financial resources to have fun, but was not going to try and marry her. She wanted to have a special relationship, and did not want any of the strings attached that would come with a relationship with another single person. For her it was a built in form of security.
Another motivator I have come across was that of self-esteem. Some single women are competitive and enjoy the challenge of married men. In their minds, they feel like they are special if they can take a man from another woman. In such cases, they believe that the relationship enhances how they feel about themselves. In such cases, the men were more of a way of keeping score or a tally. The tally gave them reassurances that they were wanted and attractive.
2 Responses
Sadly this dance goes on …and on…when she gets him to ‘give ‘ her children …because he ‘owes’ her….and then it seems to never end …even when she is revealed and he realizes he was nothing by a ‘bank’ ….our family is in sad shape as we all try to recover ..even five years after D-Day …my husband is demoralized and very slow to recover…even physically ill ..depression , weight gain, no will to live…but keeps going in order to support those children.
Forgiven but unable to forgive himself and humiliated that the OW got him into such a snare for so many years and now she ‘runs’ much of our life through his concern for those children who she lures him to give even more money because she does not use the 3000.00 for their care …no legal way to deal with this . It is criminal ..
Men please beware of this …stay faithful and learn what you need to do with your wife to protect your marriage and family !
There is no way to appeal to this kind of woman ..she is worse than a Black Widow…the man “lives’ on only for her to suck the life out of him…and his family ..while he has no legal recourse.
In our case he must not lose his job and any ‘revealing’ of his indiscretion would cause him to lose his job.
When there are children involved, the affair is not over. With the children come new bonds and new challenges to overcome. As you know, some lovers use children as leverage with guilt inducing claims like “you owe them” or “You owe me”. These situations often tear the cheater apart in terms of loyalty and guilt.