Does the stench of shame permeate your home? That sounds strange, yet shame, like stenches, surround you’ Others pick up on them up on even before you make direct contact.
I was reminded of this with the adventures of my dog and the skunk. The other evening, my dog, Chuck, scratched at the back door, wanting to be let in, yet on opening the door it became apparent why he wanted in.
He couldn’t get in fast enough. Bolting past me, within microseconds, the distinctive odor or skunk surrounded me and filled the house.
The smell permeates the air and gets onto everything it touches, lingering for some time afterwards.
I scrambled after Chuck, grabbing him before spread his experience on the bed sheets, blankets and pillows. He was promptly ushered into the bathroom where my wife and I began applying ‘the treatment’.
We knew exactly what to do, since this was about the third encounter in less than a month’s time. Rather than freak out, we knew the drill and what needed to be done.
In much the same way that the skunk smell hangs around for a few days, despite all the baths and shampooings, shame has a similar effect in relationships. Shame has a way of impacting you, even when you had a slight brush with it or someone close to you has.
For some reason, the subject of shaming and more specifically social shaming continues popping up in places I never expected. Shame is definitely one of those issues that are a part of marriage, family life and definitely affairs.
Shame and its effects have a way of hanging around after ‘the incident’. Shame also redirects your senses and focus.
Like the skunk, you can sense shame before you’re in direct contact with the person. Others sense your shame before you even say a word.
It has its own distinct stench and feel. It also clings to everyone it touches.
Shame clings to you, to your spouse and to the family. The first time it hits, you may not know what to do or what the remedy is.
Shame covers a wide range actions from the ‘shame of getting caught through the sense of guilt of having damaged one’s reputation’.
The shame permeates all your relationships, effecting how others see you and treat you. People seem to be able to smell the shame that surrounds you and your home.
Like my dog, Chuck, some spouses don’t learn their lessons from shame the first time. It’s as if they need several dances with shame before they learn their lessons from shame.
Were they ashamed that they got caught or are they ashamed of what they did? Did they consider how the shame would impact the whole family? Did they consider how it would hurt you?
Then you have to consider what you and they are going to do to in terms of ‘the treatment‘ part of removing or lessening the shame. From Chuck’s adventures, we keep the essential ingredients for de-skunking on hand.
This stage of working together in removing the stench of shame is used in ‘direct connect system’ interventions I cover in the Affair Recovery Workshop. Removing the stench of shame takes the two of you working together as a team.
After the affair or shaming incident is over, the two of you need the skills of working together in overcoming the emotional fall out and ‘shaming’ that comes with affair.
Shame is not only part of affairs, it’s also a major factor in porn and sexual addictions and part of the recovery from those problems as well.
Like Chuck, the shame-bringer may need several ‘treatments’ before they learn the lessons taught to them by shame. Bear in mind that Chuck isn’t bad or stupid or evil, he just gets passionate and forgets common sense when the skunk comes around.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
My husband has not demonstrated shame in any manifestation
He may not feel it is right to be ashamed since he had two children and he said that would mean he wished they were never born
His affection for his children with the adulteress seems to have reinforced somehow something right about the whole relationship even though he says he never sees the OW who he had the long adultery with and that he “hates ” her
He is involved with another woman last the subject came up when we saw them together during what we thought was his having taken time away to “think”
When he finally answered us as to who she was he confessed to having been dating her for about six months and that she thinks is he is divorced!
He thus has no real remorse or shame that is evident and seems to believe he is doing what is best and what he should have done from very early on in our marriage!
The devil is a liar and has found a swinging door into the mind if my husband where there is no effort to resist any idea that pleases his flesh
What did you use on your dog…I’ve heard tomatoe juice is good for skunk
To bad washing the stink of sin takes the blood of Jesus Christ but calls doe the individual to apply it to their life by way of “forsaking sin” after conceding and owning it ..turning to Jesus Christ because nothing but the hood of Jesus cleanses us from all unrighteousness!
Still stinks and denies it’s himself in need of changing his ways!🛀
That would be “nothing but the blood of Jesus”!