When the CEO of the company I worked for came up to me at a social event, I felt special. My heart raced at the thought of the CEO knowing my name. It made me feel valued.
That all changed when he leaned toward me and said with a smile “How’s it feel having your career riding on one case?” His question left me unnerved. Although he framed it as a humor laced statement, he was also speaking the plain truth.
He was known for speaking the plain truth. I knew he was referring to the high-profile celebrity client I’d recently been assigned.
Although I had worked with celebrity clients before, this time a request was made for special handling of this VIP. Given who they were, I was told that it required ‘kid gloves’.
Things came to a head when in a family therapy session, I had to confront the ‘special’ person about his putting church above his wife and family. Although loyal to his wife, he was letting his Church activities function as his wife ahead of her. Plain and simple, he was having an emotional affair with his church congregation.
Anytime someone was in crisis, he dropped what he was doing to care for them, which included family time and activities. His church activities pushed out marital and family time.
This sent a LOUD message that the church was more important than his wife and children. Their needs outweighed the needs of his own family. They were starved for love and attention he was giving others.
I had to confront him on this ’emotional affair’. This is not the kind of confrontation special people want to hear.
They are used to people praising them for their great work, instead of confronting them on wrong priorities. Since he was a pastor, he considered church and ministry good things. He did not see how they became his first love rather than his wife and family.
The whole situation made it clear to me that even prominent people make mistakes in their marriage. In this person’s case, he allowed the ‘good work’ of his congregation and ministry to dominate his life. There was always someone who ‘needed’ him that pulled him from his wife.
I’m surprised she didn’t resent the church, him and God all at the same time. I suspect that when this happens, spouses hate what it is that takes their spouses from them. It may be the Corps, the City, the Force, or some other nebulous group.
What I know is that when resentment builds up, spouses lash out at it all. It may start with misplaced priorities and end up with a raging hate of anything associated with the cheater whose loyalty is to the greater good than to their spouse.
Sadly society praises those who do put the greater good ahead off their family. They are called devoted, community-minded, and dedicated leaders. Statues are erected to them, and schools are named after them, while their own families fall apart.
Your spouse may not have slept with anyone else, yet they’re not putting you first or protecting you. Their noble cause has you playing second fiddle. When you’re second fiddle, you’re being played.
When you’re tired of playing second fiddle and want changes in your marriage, the Affair Recovery Workshop guides you through those initial shaky steps on the road to recovery.
The impact of emotional affairs is real. In my case, the VIP was putting his church and congregation ahead of his wife and family. They were hurting as he gave his best to everyone else’s hurt but theirs.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
