When your spouse distances themselves from you, it could be an early warning sign. That early warning sign could be a precursor to an affair. Although cheaters may tell you that an affair “just happened”, the reality is that there are often soft signs that show up before the affair happens.
One of those soft signs is distancing. Distancing can happen in many ways. They may take steps creating emotional space, mental space or physical space. Since the distancing occurs gradually, many spouses often ignore or dismiss it. When contemporary society is so faced paced, you may find yourself ignoring distancing since your focus is on other things.
Distancing always starts with dis-connecting on some level. They will find a way to either fully dis-connect or minimize their connection with you. Although cheaters may entertain fantasies of servicing two or more playmates at once, the reality is that this often requires pulling back from one in order to give more to another. Prior to the affair, they have to pull back from their connection with you in order to develop connection and bonding with their lover.
It may start with withholding. Your spouse starts holding back information, emotions or affection. It is one thing if they are not very expressive, it is quite another when they start withholding. In the case of withholding, the amount of material they hold back from telling or sharing with you grows gradually. Since it is gradual, you may find yourself adjusting to those changes, attributing it to stress or situational issues.
Your spouse may resort to distancing by name calling. In these situations, they use names or terms that ‘push’ you away. When you pull back, they continue using their tactics to maintain the distance. When name calling is used to push you away, there will be a sensation of being pushed out. This is very different from when they use name calling or harsh words in expressing pain. In this case, it is more about ‘alienating’ you.
Some spouses resort to passive aggressive ways of making you keep your distance. When you intentionally withdraw from them, they can play the ‘victim’ card and have the distance they want at the same time.
In extreme cases, physical violence is used to achieve distance. Violence changes relationships. It ruins any spirit of tenderness and sensitivity. One of the ways violence changes relationships is creating distance. In some cases violence arouses passions and intensity, yet the price tag of those passions and intensity is the creation of distance.
Violence can have many forms. Yelling and threats are forms of violence. With yelling and threats, there are no bruises or scars which often trigger questions. With yelling and threats, the roles that each of you are in changes. Marriage is no longer about working together, being equals or a team. When yelling and threats are used in creating distance, the marriage relationship turns into a tyrant driven system rather than a team. The will of the aggressor is what then drives things.
Yelling and threats not only create distance, it often shuts down open communication. Any communication that does happen is what the aggressor allows. There is little if any disagreement from their version of things.
Finding ways to stay connected and keeping out the distance are parts of what make up intimacy ( I go more in depth on ways of developing intimacy in the Affair Recovery Workshop). You want to keep the closeness, in order to deal with issues in their early stages. This is good affair prevention. It is also good affair relapse prevention. Knowing your spouse, keeping distance to a minimum and staying in connection are key in keeping your marriage healthy.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
