Narcissists may have you at wit’s end. They say they love you, they want to change, yet continue living their lives in such a ‘me first’ manner that you are left wondering “what is really going on?” They gave you reassurances of them making changes, yet little has changed. You may even feel like you are the one who is going nuts. Rest assured, you are not the one loosing it. Narcissists often live ‘in the moment’. What they told you was true at that moment. They were being honest at that moment.
Spouses with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies will often be living in the moment. They will also need frequent reassurance of their attractiveness, value or worth. It is as if they have a hole inside of them that needs constant refilling. When the hole is empty, they start looking for ways to fill it. One of the ways they often choose is affairs. Affairs are a quick fix to fill the emotional void in their lives. When they are empty, they often consider only what will fill the void, not whether what they are doing is right or wrong or who it may hurt. They want everyone to like them, even if that means sleeping with them to achieve that.
What that means is that all your attacking of the affair will often be like water on a duck’s back. They may verbally acknowledge what they did was not right, but that does not mean that they have any sense of conviction about it, or see it as ‘wrong’. For them, there is a big difference between ‘not right’ and wrong. In some cases, they may even understand wrong, but that does not mean that they are agreeing to never do the wrong behavior again. It could be that what you think is the problem is not the problem, but rather a poorly chosen solution to a problem.
Instead of attacking the affair or its wrongness, you will need to address the ‘hole’ inside of them and how they choose to fill it. Their solution to the ‘hole’ problem is the affair. They need a better solution to their problem. The more you understand and work with them on the problem, the better solutions you will find. There may also be times that the affairs are about ‘testing’ you to see if you really love them. In the intense pain of their emotional hole, they often have some extreme ideas and may be skeptical of your professions of love. They may not feel loved by you. Whey you are dealing with a narcissist, they will need to feel loved, rather than feel like you are going through the motions.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
