It is often easier to blame the lover for the affair than it is to blame the cheater. You may find it a relief to call the lover a ‘whore’ (or gigolo). It is often easier to blame than it is to find the real problem and real solutions. The lover may have trapped your spouse, they may have seduced your spouse or may have done a lot of things. Unless your situation is like the one in Fatal Attraction, the problem may lie in your spouse. If they have gone to the lover more than once, they are making choices of returning to the lover. When they continue returning to the lover, the problem lies with them.
Each time they return to the lover, they give up more control to them. They allow more of the lover into your marriage. Each phone call is a re-connection of them and the lover. Does this mean that they need to cut off all contact with the lover? By all means, yes! When an affair is going on, it is not a time for manners or niceness. When you bring manners or talk of ‘decency’ into an affair situation, you muddy the waters. Giving them time to say ‘good-bye’ is a mistake. They need to cut it off, and cut it off NOW. Prolonging the cut off only prolongs the pain.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
6 Responses
AMEN to that ….the children from their adultery make the “cut off” impossible. It is like a barb from a sting ray it is here to stay.
When lovers do things that make ‘cut off’ more difficult, the problems worsen. There are some lovers that sink more hooks and dig them deeper as time goes on. That is why cheaters need to sever the relationship with the lover sooner rather than later. Delaying only makes it harder and more painful. It was not by accident that many ancient religions used temple prostitutes to keep the men hooked into coming back.
Yes that is a great point ..’sex ‘sells’ was apparently one of the things our advertisers took a page out of the pagan book …huh.
My husband often wonders if he should warn the other man she is seeing right now ..but I think he should leave them to their own mess….and that guy is actually just like HER…he has a child from another relationship that was not a marriage ..
These people are simply destine for ruin sadly …
Anarchy is a very popular ‘trend’ in this area…and it is appalling how much damage they do to other peoples property and when police come to the scene they provoke them …it is a dammedable situation ..God is indeed just in whatever the outcome is ,,,,people KNOW what is right and wrong so there is NO excuse.
Leaving law and order ..chaos results ..and SOME people think this is useful to gain power…’order out of chaos’
Hmmmm…dunno but the view from here nightly is very ugly …more and more of every kind of perverse crime on the nightly news….and younger and younger criminals …a 11 year old threatened a pregnant woman on the public transportation the other night with a loaded pistol!! awk! three 13 year old girls beat on a total stranger girl on that same public trans…. tonight’s yahoo…about a girl 18 who at 15 lured a 9 yr old girl into the woods and strangled her
The Bible is very clear about the progression DOWNWARD of any society that turns away from God and practices ..every man does what is right in his OWN eyes….sorrowful !
No wonder some watch old Jack Benny shows for a laugh …or Cosby ..still keeping the ‘clean’ in comedy!
In terms of morals, there is a growing amount of wickedness. I know that wickedness is a strong word. When people follow their selfish desires, there are always consequences. When our leaders do not set good examples, be they pastors, politicians, physicians or teachers, it compounds matters. The moral climate makes it challenging to heal a marriage or keep one together. What is important is what is one’s standard. People will have to choose whether they want to be like the people around them and on TV or godly examples from other sources. The standard we choose makes all the difference.
I just was reading a new book I got from a site online that you might want to take time to read….it is called “NO INNOCENT AFFAIR” by Edward F Mrkvicka….he has two other books out one on prayer and the other on deception .
I was reading another blog online and they had an article from his site reprinted > I went to his site and read the articles he had …and then to Amazon to read a portion of the books before ordering
I think he does a good job of writing straight from the hip on these issues using a form of word studies on all the various words that relate to adultery …to show just what scripture has to say ..which anyone could do if they took the time with a search engine…but it is nice to have it so handy as he does go on in the book to write in a very readable way directly to the adulterers to consider what they are doing in a more sober way ..
He has been a counselor as you have for years.
He then has a section which I found unreadable because , even as he admitted to it making him nauseous too ..it was to give examples of the way our society supports infidelity …and even encourages it ..which anyone on this site is painfully familiar with …I had to skip that section …it is indeed bad enough to have to deal with it in our every day culture …but he had set it in there for a reason
Then he has a chapter that is to sober up the cheaters with the various realities of those hurt by their selfish choices…THIS was my favorite part though I have doubts if those who are willing to cheat would endure this read….More of what is difficult in recovery from this ..the CS is often unwilling to face the music.
The other chapters yet to be read speak of other aspects and issues …and the last is on how to be forgiven and straighten up and flight right
It was very readable and I suggest you take a look ….for you own interest .
I also bought the other two books…can never learn enough ..and he is encouraging individual reading of the WORD and letting the word speak in it’s entirety which I think is very good advice.
I also like to read what is out there for the purpose of then examining in scripture what is being offered.,..I feel it is better for me to have first hand as much as possible in order to make an informed opinion ….if asked ….or maybe even if not ! hahaha ..as you can see….
Thank you for more of your insights….I have jury selection on Valentines Day ! “Isn’t this romantic..”.so the song goes!
Zaza,
Thank you for the heads up. It sounds like a good book. It is always good to hear about others dealing with this issue in a sound way.