In raising children, one of the many things that fascinates me, is how creative they are in solving problems. My sons have shown me solutions I never imagined. Whether it be in building things, working on cars or fixing broken items around our home.
Their solutions have humbled me. It has shown me that I get stuck in one way of seeing things, which blinds me to potential solutions. I get tunnel vision, and they see the world differently.
They on the other hand have a different perspective that allows them to see solutions. I have taken those lessons and applied them to affairs.
One area that a new perspective changes things on is when you try forgiving the affair rather than the cheater.
People write me wondering ‘why?’ they have trouble forgiving. In many cases, they’re trying to forgive the affair rather than the cheater.
It’s a weird thing in that the term ‘forgive the affair’ is what people say. The truth is, you can’t forgive what they did. It’s not the affair that needs forgiveness. The only person that can forgive an action is a judge. Even when judges do it, it’s called a pardon.
You forgive people, not actions.
The pardon erases what was done, clears the books of the offense and lets the once accused free. It’s as if the wrong never happened.
Trying to pardon your spouse can mess you up morally and mentally. It puts you in a double bind. It could be that your thinking is messed up because you tried pardoning the affair.
If you pardon the affair, you’re taking a stand that affairs are acceptable at times. Under the right conditions, they can be dismissed.In dismissing them, you remove any motivation in discouraging future affairs.
The cheater sees this and acts accordingly. With a pardon, you also act like the affair never happened, which you know it did.
The double-bind is that you hate the affair, yet in forgiving it, you say “it’s okay”.
Double binds where you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t have a crazy making quality to them. It puts you in a no-win situation, which is the epitome of frustrating.
With affairs, you forgive the cheater. The cheater is forgiven for what they did. You still hold them accountable though. They are acceptable, what they did is not.
It’s not that you punish them, you help them avoid making bad choices in the future. In some ways, it’s more akin to rehab, where the cheater learns new ways of doing things along with rebuilding your marriage.
Since I’ve covered the topic of what not to forgive along with forgiving the cheater in my blog in previous posts, I’ll hold off going over that topic again. My point is that when you try forgiving the affair, it will frustrate you in a self-defeating manner. This frustration is counter-productive to affair recovery.
During affair recovery, you need hope, not frustration. You need direction rather than confusion. You need ways of moving past the discouragement. Since there is so much discouragement surrounding trying to forgive the wrong thing, I wanted to give you a new perspective.
The video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” guides you through what can be the confusing challenge of forgiveness. The video guides you through the how, what and even the where of forgiveness.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
