When I began helping couples recover from affairs, my first taste of internet sources shocked me. I researched what was available and didn’t like what I saw. What little I found at that time, I classified as “All men are pigs sites”.
These sites took a broad brush approach and just assumed the problem was with men and that they were all bad. Talk about shaming, this was some serious shaming.
I wanted to help people get through their pain and recover faster so I devised my own plan of action which included “face up” questions instead of the demonizing the cheater as a solution.
In those early days, cheaters were classified as pigs and the affair recovery support groups were man-hating forums. In those forums, cheaters were attacked and maligned. Hurt feelings were expressed, which gave a temporary relief, but not much healing happened.
Fortunately, that has changed. As the understanding of affairs is improving, the ways of dealing with them are improving as well.
Affairs are bad for marriages. Affairs are always a bad choice. That’s very clear. Cheating is a violation of marriage vows and so is not not loving them in sickness and in health. Your response to the cheating may be violating your vows as well.
What’s also bad are the ‘responses to the affair’. How you respond to the affair is a major concern as well. Your response determines whether the affair is or isn’t a marriage breaker.
This is very different than the “all men are pigs” approach. Sure, some men are. After you malign them and express your anger, then what? At that point you are left with the question of what are you going to do about it.
I like the way Frankie Perez puts it, “How you respond to the issue…is the issue”. Frankie has spent years researching the brain and the effects of stress on the brain.
My affair variation is “How you respond to the affair…is the issue“.
With the issue of the affair, your response is important. If you treat the cheater like a pig and have a pig-hating attitude, you’re limiting the likelihood of affair recovery.
At times I’ve wondered how many marriages have been ruined by the “All men are pigs” forums and their ilk. Such sites give you energy in tackling the affair, yet it’s a negative energy.
That negative energy relishes destruction and pain rather than healing and restoration.
The point worth stressing is that your response to the affair matters. How you react and deal with the cheater shapes the direction your marriage.
You can deal with your spouse as a pig and treat them like crap. There’s no doubt that your pain over the affair will be greater than the cheater’s, but that doesn’t help you or them.
In dealing with the affair, you need resilience. Resilience includes bouncing back from the shock, shifting perspective and being flexible in your responses.
In the video ‘Overcoming Affair Trauma’, I guide you in ways of improving your resilience. You may not be resilient now, yet you can learn ways of improving. The video shows you ways of doing that.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
