I hate perfectionism! Although I appreciate flawless performances, well built automobiles and clean homes, when it comes to relationships and yourself, perfectionism is poison.
Although I know that when my mother said things like “Why can’t you be like Frank?” or “Why can’t you comb your hair like Bill?” she wanted me to be my best. Each of those she compared me always had their hair in perfect condition, without a strain out of place. This was accompanied by them having shirts tucked flawlessly. They could have been models for GQ with their perfect appearance.
My shirts were untucked and wrinkled. My hair always had a fly away aspect that never laid down flawlessly like theirs.
Although she wanted me to be my best, the comparisons with others and messages of her being disappointed with me created problems.
Such messages end up communicating that I was less than perfect. Many well meaning parents insert time bombs, like these into their children by emphasizing on perfection by means of their comparative and disapproving comments.
Although I’ve worked through the damage brought by such messages, I’ve developed a sensitivity to those dangers.
When an affair happens, you assume that your marriage is flawed. The affair definitely damages things.
Another way of damaging your marriage is expecting perfection after the affair. High expectations of perfection damages the recovery work.
All it takes is a few comments and you can tear down what took months to achieve. When perfection is more important than accepting your spouse for who they are, they feel rejected.
Remember that perfection is impossible.
If you think your spouse should be able to move on without hiccups, think again. The hiccup comes with the package of life and relationships. Moving on means accepting ups and downs, not being perfect.
When perfection is the highest priority, there is no room for human error. There’s no room for being human at all.
The desire for perfection is often related to how many mistakes they made in the course of the affair. It’s hard seeing yourself making mistakes.
All those perfect people you see on television and in the movies are products of photoshop and airbrushing. Those perfect marriages are works of fiction. When the perfect is your role model, your spouse knows it and will react accordingly.
Perfection also brings secret keeping. Those you think are perfect are surrounded and mired down with secrets.
Perfection and secrecy go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other.
In the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop“, you’ll learn ways of discussing and accepting each other for who you are. You want that kind of communication, yet aren’t sure how to get there. The workshop guides you through the special sequence of what you need to do in order to reach that point.
Allowing your expectations of perfection to ruin your recovery from the affair is an open invitation for trouble and misery. Your recovery will not be perfect, now will your marriage be.
Although it won’t be perfect, it can be honest, real and dependable.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
