When cheaters give you a nonsensical or crazy response to your questions, how should you deal with it? You may have considered your question straight forward and simple.
When the cheater gives you a response that is ‘off the wall’ it may stun you, flabbergast or astound you. You may even wonder if you are talking about the same thing.
If this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with ‘crazy communication.
Handling Crazy Communications <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here today. I want to thank you for tuning in. Today’s topic that we’re going to be dealing with is handling crazy communications.
I decided to go ahead and deal with this issue because when you’re dealing with cheaters there’s times they’ll give you nonsensical or crazy responses to your questions. When they give you these nonsensical or crazy responses, how should you deal with it?
How should you deal with crazy communication?
You may have considered that your questions was pretty straightforward and simple. I asked you a simple question type of thing.
When a cheater gives you a response that is, as you call, off the wall, it may stun you, flabbergast you, and astound you. You find yourself going where did that come from? This is part of the crazy communication I’m talking about.
You may even wonder at times if you’re talking about the same topic. Are you two talking about the same thing, or even the same universe or the same ballpark?
If it sounds familiar you’re probably dealing with what I call ‘crazy communication‘. Like a flashing yellow warning light, such kind of communication is a signal that change is needed in the relationship.
We’re going to be talking about what kind of changes that you can make in terms of dealing with it.
Deal with the warning light rather than ignore it
The solution is to deal with the warning light rather than ignore it. Because I know with automobiles, a lot of times when there’s a flashing yellow light on your dashboard, some of you may ignore it.
When it happens in your relationship you don’t want to ignore it. This is something that’s signaling you, you need to take action right away.
Likewise when that kind of crazy communication happens, don’t just dismiss it as this is just a phase you’re going through. No. It’s something you need to deal with.
1. Realize that crazy responses are a good indicator, what you can call a symptom, that the communication pattern in your marriage is unhealthy. It doesn’t mean that the cheater is off their rocker. That’s a quick and easy way to shift blame. Finding where to put blame is not the same thing as solving the problem.
When these kind of responses are going on it’s letting you know something about the way we talk to each other is totally unhealthy. That’s a signal that you need to correct it.
This is something you may be trying to correct, rather than to listen to them. We’re going to be talking about that today.
Besides the crazy response being an indicator that the communication pattern is messed up,you will need to take action.
2. You’re going to need to change how you communicate and interact with them. A lot of times what people will do, they’ll keep using the same old pattern that they have been using, thinking well maybe this time it’ll work, maybe this time it’ll work. No, it doesn’t work that way.
When crazy communication happens you want to change the pattern. You want to change how the two of you are talking to each other, how the two of you are interacting with each other.
In the recovery community they often define insanity as when you keep doing what you’ve always been doing and expecting different results. Likewise with communication if you keep communicating the same old way and expecting a different kind of response, it’s not going to work. And it’s going to be very frustrating.
You’re going to have to change how you communicate with them. You may have to change how you approach them. You may have to change how you phrase things. You may have to change your tone of voice. You may have to change some other aspects.
3. When people feel safe they open up. This is just a basic about human behavior, human interaction. When we feel safe the walls come down, we go ahead and open up. Likewise, when you don’t feel safe, you close up.
The crazy communication, many times, is about people not feeling safe. Because it’s easier to give you a real crazy kind of response as something that will shut you up, either by being frustrated with the situation or by finally getting a response, than it is to talk about how things don’t feel safe.
Affairs don’t happen where there’s healthy communication. Since that’s the case you want to take steps to go ahead and improve the health of the communication within your marriage. Be willing to take a look at how you are communicating and what you can do to help your spouse feel safe.
Feeling Safe
By feeling safe I’m not saying to turn around and kowtow to them, but you can do things to increase the emotional safety. When you sit down at a table where you’re on one side and they’re on the other, that table, as a barrier, creates some safety. You don’t want to be up pacing the floor talking to them. That usually makes things unsafe.
You don’t want to be making threats. You don’t want to be interrupting them.
You want them to go ahead and start opening up. Because in the long run you want to have healthier communication with your spouse, which means you’re going to have to get past this crazy communication stage.
Although many times we have the assumption that people can communicate about their feelings, the reality is a vast majority of people have trouble talking about their feelings.
They have trouble opening up. You’re going to have to accept that. And that’s going to be part of what it’s going to take to move past the crazy communications.
In terms of the solution that I presented, deal with the warning light rather than ignore it. And I gave you some things that you can go ahead and start working on here and now in dealing with the crazy communication. Because it is definitely a sign that things are not healthy and need to be addressed right away.
If the communication in your marriage is ‘crazy communication’, there are others things you can do as well. In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” you’ll learn other ways of opening up communication.
You’ll know what games to avoid and ways of dealing with them when they do happen.
Best Regards,
Jeff
