When you discover that your spouse is cheating, one of the common reactions is ‘lashing out’. You lash out at both your spouse and their lover.
With that rude awakening, you look for patterns either with the cheater or with the lover. You want to make sense of what you just discovered. You want to know what went on, how long it went on, who it was with, etc.
When you find patterns, you have a target for your rage. I use the term rage based on the intense anger which drives the lashing out. It’s not just a matter of letting them know you’re hurt, you want to take it out on them. You want to hurt them like they hurt you.
You need to realize that lashing out won’t do anything to help the situation. It’s important to step back and take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you want from this situation, and how can it be resolved in a somewhat civil manner? Do you want to save your relationship or end it?
When your marriage is in this kind of danger, it’s not time for ‘playing nice’. There truly is a time when it’s not wise to just get along with each other and keep the peace. Playing nice at a time like this sends a misleading message.
If you’re one that wants to take the high road, filled with being reasonable and getting along with all parties, you’re in for heartaches. In such cases, you’re being dishonest with yourself. You’re putting peace ahead of being honest with each other.
I don’t advocate violence. I believe these situations can be handled without violence.
Although violence is discouraged, such times call for honesty in terms of identifying and expressing your own intense anger. It’s also a time for taking action. Sitting back and waiting for sudden miracles puts you in a position of passive vulnerability.
When you’re ‘waiting’ and ’emotionally raw’, you’re at risk of being hurt. The reality is that everyone involved is going to get hurt and experience loss before it’s all over.
At such times, it’s tempting to believe that your spouse will realize what they’re losing. Although you want them to return home and the two of you to live happily ever after, that kind of ending requires action.
First, you need to get yourself together emotionally. If you’re a hot emotional mess, there is little motivation for your spouse to return. In the video ‘Overcoming the Affair Crisis’, I address the common mistakes betrayed spouses make. In your anger and rage, you may be pushing your spouse away rather than drawing them back to you.
There are things you can say and do that change your relationship. You’ll also benefit from knowing where your focus needs to be in order to improve the likelihood of recovering from the affair.
The affair doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. It does mean the end of old unhealthy patterns in your relationship.
Click and download your copy today. You can benefit from the experiences of other couples with the lessons inside rather than having to go through painful learning experiences. There’s no sense in hurting others or yourself any longer.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
