Besides the weather changing, another thing that changes is fashion. Like the weather, fashions are always changing in terms of trends and popular colors. Some terms are accepted and others cast aside.
If you’re one who watches fashions, you’ve seen some of these trends change for both men and women. Like fashion, there are changes, pop trends and terms in other areas as well. In the field of psychology, there are also popular trends and terms. Although the field of psychology and the study of human behavior shouldn’t be so fickle, it is.
There are trends that come and go in the field of human behavior as well. There are also terms in psychology that come and go. These are popular terms used to describe certain behaviors or phenomena. Some of these type of terms have been around for a long time, but others seem to rise and fall fairly quickly. Some psychologists still use these old style terms while other discard them for newer ones.
Decisions are made on what are permissible words, diagnoses and treatments. The permissible vocabulary continues changing and shrinking to where you don’t recognize things anymore.
Yes, psychology changes with the trends. Although some of these changes are driven by research, some, like fashion change with the shifts in societal values, who gets paid by big pharma and new catchy terms for old experiences.
One of the trendy terms used these days is ‘limerence’. I’ve even seen references to limerence affairs, while other affair recovery specialists view limerence as overlapping with and preceding emotional affairs.
Limerance is the new permissible term for old fashioned lust. Limerence makes it sound more scientific.
A reader recently wanted to know more about limerence and affairs. Let’s start with talking about what it is and where it came from.
Limerence is a term coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979. She used the term in describing the sensation of being ‘in love’. She described how limerence was a mind altering state of being.
Dorothy came up with the term after interviewing volunteers who shared their ‘love’ experiences with her. These volunteers were enthusiastic about their ‘new love’ and felt different than before.
The term has gained in popularity since she first coined it. The term is handy for describing the phenomena. In my own mind, I see it as the initial stages of the ‘affair fog’ when someone starts obsessing about their ‘love object’.
When you begin fantasizing incessantly about your love object, it changes you. Each time you give into the fantasy, it gains more strength in your heart and mind.
You start thinking that you can’t live without the love object so you start coming up with ways of attaining it and making it yours. These can be conscious or unconscious desires. This is when you start doing things that you don’t normally do. You bend or break rules for the love object and this makes it difficult to see other options, such as just walking away from the fantasy.
You begin rationalizing why you have to sacrifice yourself for your love object because you feel drawn to it.
During this phase, your thinking is influenced by the chemicals being released into your brain. You may even feel like you no longer control your mind. The more you fantasize about your love object, the more the chemicals are pumped into your brain and body. The fantasies take over your mind and your emotions.
This is common with love addicts whose mind latches onto someone in the early stages of the unhealthy cycles they go through.
In the chemical dependency and brain studies community, researchers talk about the release of endorphins and PEA (Phenethylamine) in describing what happens inside the brain of someone going though this relationship phase.
The differences in terms confuses those searching for explanations as to what you’re dealing with and what to call it.
If you’re wanting more on this topic, I address the role of fantasy in my ebook “Why He Cheats”. It gives you an understanding of the role of fantasy in the affair for both the betrayed spouse and the cheater.
Using the term limerence only makes fantasizing sound like a separate phenomena. But what it represents is the degree of obsession and fantasy that someone deals with when they’re going though the excitement stage. It’s not a separate issue that needs to be dealt with by itself, but part of the overall phenomenon of how people sacrifice their integrity to attain some object of desire or goal.
Limerence can be overcome. Having an affair relapse prevention plan that reduces the danger of triggers, like those triggering fantasies is an important part of recovery. Download the video, “Overcoming Affair Relapse” for finding ways of moving past this in your affair recovery journey.
Just click the link and download it.
The more you know about high risk situations, triggers and relapse the more you can undo the damage of limerance in your relationship.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
