In searching through the keywords used in looking for material on affairs, I saw one that jumped out at me. The person entered “Cheaters deny deny deny”. From their repeated use of the word deny, it’s clear that they’re pretty frustrated with the denial.
Denial is amazingly strong. I recall an incident where my mother-in-law made accusations to my wife about some volunteer work she did at a service agency.
This was before the days when ‘disinformation’ was a buzzword. My mother-in-law watched a news story presented by a talking head, that put where my wife performed volunteer work in a bad light. My mother-in-law believed every word without hesitation. Since the newscaster said it, the report must be true. She saw and heard enough from the newscaster to believe it was true, so in her mind, nothing else mattered.
My wife was justifiably upset and defended herself and the agency. After a few minutes, it became apparent that my mother-in-law wasn’t going to accept anything my wife had to say. The disinformation had a mother not believing her daughter. It was powerful enough to create family conflicts at that level.
This is an example of someone in denial. No matter what evidence or logic is presented, they’re not going to budge.
My wife pointed out where the new media story was wrong and misleading. Her mother refused believing her.
When it came to either believing her own daughter or a newscaster with perfect hair she’d never met, my mother in law believed the reporter. She denied any information contrary to what the reporter said. She insisted that my wife was lying.
On seeing this unfold, I was dumbfounded. The level of her denial amazed me. It revealed the authoritative power of the news reporter over someone who was actually on site, and her own daughter as well.
This showed me the power of denial. It’s powerful enough to overpower family bonds. Denial stops communication and pushes out any possibility of considering other options.
My mother-in-law was convinced of what she perceived as ‘the truth’ and she was determined not to consider anything else. When denial takes over, it brings determination with it.
This puts you in a position where you can either frustrate yourself trying to convince the denier of another truth or give up or act on the truth you know. If you give up, it puts you in a mental bind where you’re torn between what you’ve been told and what you know.
The disinformation is often in the form of a grievance. The cheater wants to believe they are justified in having their affair and in lying to you in order to keep you out of pain. As long as they hold onto their grievance, it will be easy for them to lie.
That mental bind of being torn between truths is emotionally tormenting. Its’ also aggravating to attempt changing the mind of the one doing the denying. When your experience and reality are questioned, it makes you think that you are crazy.
This is often what happens when you have to stand on the truth that you know, whether or not the cheater, their family or friends validate your truth. Truth is still truth even when the cheater denies it.
Since they see events differently than you, they connect the facts differently than you do. The two of you may be looking at the same events and facts, yet come up with different conclusions.
Viewing things that differently lead to communication problems. Both of you may be expressing yourselves well, yet are unable to consider each other’s viewpoints.
When situations like this happen, you need some improvements in communication. The two of you may be able to say things to each other, but may be saying it in a way that is missing each other.
Improving your communication always pays dividends. In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”, I’ll show you ways of moving past the communication defenses.
There are ways of expressing yourself without putting your spouse on the defensive. Imagine how much better things could be when neither of you starts getting defensive when touching on sensitive issues.
Imagine how much more peaceful your home can be without the communication breakdown.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
