When you’re faced with an affair, there are many aspects of your emotions that pose a challenge. You may have never
viewed yourself as an angry person and suddenly you are filled with rage, or it could be that the level of anger that you are now experiencing is beyond anything you have experienced before.
Affairs bring a new level of intensity to your life, including anger. Dealing with internalized anger is one of those challenges.
A reader wanted to know how to get rid of their internalized anger. I have addressed many aspects of anger in previous blog posts and Affair Recovery Radio Shows, including anger triggers, anger build up, and recognizing anger.
I even dealt with internalized anger with an emphasis on the ‘bad breath solution’. When there are continued questions about anger, it tells me that you need some more help in that area, which is not surprising given the intensity that anger can achieve and its tendency to repeat.
Anytime you replay the affair and what happened, it triggers anger reactions all over again. With internalized anger, you may find yourself ‘simmering’ with each recollection of the affair.
The simple answer of “Quit thinking about the affair” is easier said than done. It works, yet self-control in not replaying the affair is a skill that takes practice in mastering.
Turning off the thinking is often an uphill struggle.
Internalized anger poses many health related threats. The longer it stays, the greater the danger to your health.Internalized anger impacts your cardiovascular system, your digestive system, breathing and your muscle tone. The longer you keep it in, the more damage is done to your systems.
When you keep the anger in, your body produces elevated levels of cortisol (the stress hormone). That chemical strains and wears out all the systems in your body. Although it gives you an initial burst, it’s a poison with detrimental long term effects.
What is internal needs to come out. As long as the anger remains hidden inside, dealing with it is made more difficult than it needs to be. You may need to start drawing pictures of the anger and what is going on inside. This kind of self-expression often starts a cathartic process.
After you have a collection of pictures, you will need to identify common themes. You need to uncover what your drawings and art are telling you. They’re alerting you to the ‘root cause’ if you are willing to listen.
The ‘root cause’ is very different than the target of your anger.
Since anger in 95% of the cases is a secondary emotional reaction to some other emotion, it will help you identify what emotion, hurt or experience that is at the root of your struggle.
The anger is how you are choosing to deal with that primary emotional reaction. The initial reaction (be it hurt, vulnerability, etc.) is what actually needs attention and action. That root issue may be fear, vulnerability or even embarrassment.
The non-verbal medium is often easier to do than trying to access what is going on with words or talking about it. The way the brain works, deep emotional responses are often non-verbal LONG before they become accessible to the verbal.
Even though you may not be able to put them in words, they are still hurting you and those around you.
Whether you are the cheater or the victim of betrayal, anger is an issue that impacts both of you. There are times when the stress of that internalized anger gets stuck.
The good news is that you can get unstuck. The video “Dealing with Affair Trauma” guides you through understanding what’s going on and ways of getting beyond being stuck
Best Regards,
Jeff
One Response
I thought I would comment since today I had a rare expression of anger as I found out my husband had done something in the face of our financial situation that was just plain crazy…In fact my daughter came home from lunch with him to say ” I think Dad has lost his mind”
What , you may ask , would be the cause of this point of view from my very level headed and patient daughter.{ By the way she is also very respectful so this was not a snide remark but a very sober observation]
My husband who has set himself up in an apartment and has assured me with a very sad FACE how he is trying to meet the bills and make sure we are taken care of financially …but now the bills are often late…
He has had to start his business over from scratch and is struggling and has assured me that he is not spending any money on anything for himself ..
Has gotten a dog! Not just a small , indistinguishable breed …but a GREAT DANE!
I am appalled ! I know I should realize that this man is a habitual liar …and a sneak …but to most people he seems to be a really nice guy ..generous , kind…positive and encouraging …but THIS is something I am just REALLY angry about .
It is not about the money but the LYING .
He also includes his daughters in this sudden revelaation which he has had for 5 weeks and never let on …so they were put on the spot in terms of what their own reaction should be.
The oldest has tried to express her view of his adultery and he deflected and ignored this even as he sat down to allow her to talk to him about her feelings.
So she has seen no reason to continue to try to confront him about how his actions effect her .
Her younger sister does not say much of anything . I observe the way he has ‘courted her’ since I had tried to get him to be more involved in her life since she was born but by now I realize he was preoccupied not so much by work or golf but his OW .
Since D DAY he has focused in on her , taking her places..buying her things which he knows she will like..as well as doing things with both but only on HIS schedule which he shares any ‘free’ time with the OC.
This way of trying to ‘court’ the affections and thus put even more distance between himself and really dealing properly with his choices has been a bit frustrating for me .
IF any of our children who are adults say anything that is in the least disapproving of his way…he thinks it is from ME that they speak
This is an outrageous lack of respect for them in my opinion as if they are still very young and only view life from my point of view.
I am angry FOR them as much as with him for being this way .
He goes on through his life with making new friendships and in my view they are duped .
What to do? Well as a believer I have given him what I have found through my own life’s application of how to allow the Word to judge ME …that old beam in the eye which is an ongoing exercise…but also to give him what I see scripture says he is in need of learning .
But I stopped doing this a long while ago ..it hit a ‘rock ‘ that is passes for his head.
He has no interest in seeing that though what he is doing hurts , harms others …he has declared he cannot do anything about all of the damage …and does not want to live …but then he seems to be doing a pretty good imitation of not just living but really going for all the gusto and taking advantage of clueless people along his way.
IF he has had any thought to this dog he would realize how expensive any dog is ..since we have two and with things as they are financially that is two too many!
Yet we have them , they are loved and we manage our budget accordingly
For him to acquire this dog when so many practical things in his life and ours are suffering ..house maintenance ..car maintenance…and human health issues! IT is as my daughter said ..INSANE!
But he brought the dog along for lunch and it is a sure thing at least ONE of my daughters was delighted ..and that reaction was enough no doubt to justify it to himself .
So on the one hand …despite the fact that the Dog is left alone all day in a small apartment., and when he has to take it anywhere it is bound to destroy his luxury car with it’s nails ..even though the car itself needs a LOT of work ..having already poured literally THOUSANDS of dollars …good money after bad since he cannot afford to trade it in now …because he cannot have a car payment on top of all the other expenses.
Tell me …does this qualify for the way scripture speaks of anger is acceptable ‘with cause’ but I know we are not to act upon anger…but it seems like a justified expression of what we are to expect when someone SINS WILLFULLY against us !
I often think of how civil laws against stealing COULD be applied against my husband for the actual nearly 2 million he siphoned away from our family to the maintenance of this OW over the many years he kept her….[playing the role of a wealth man ….but that was far from what we really had to give away in such away…he neglected his family while doing whatever he wanted] …but I did not know the status of our finances. I have not had that long-suit and I trusted my husband to act honestly.
I was an ‘easy mark’ apparently being a Christian and thinking he was also and that his ego would never permit him to do such a BIG deception…BOY was I WRONG.
He told me back when he was still talking with me and telling me how sorry he was and that he was going to ‘pay me back every cent’ to which I said …it was OUR money ..you stole from your own family …
Anyway I did not ask for pay back but for stand up….neither apparently were authentic words to believe,
With all the debt and various other practical needs this is one serious breach ..and one he apparently doesn’t feel any problem with.
Vet bills are HUGE …for a dog that size and growing …they eat more than people !
I think in part it is another icon of his ‘uniqueness’ to gain attention …and very likely from women.
His constant assurance that he is not spending much of anything on himself is laughable.
He could save a great deal of money that is needed for our home if he did not rent a place for himself …and have a dog…!
If he had wanted a dog he could have taken one of the ones we already have …but they are not fancy enough !
Meanwhile he expects his children to accept and delight in his ‘adventure’ …this may be the MOST violating to me of all …to try to get this to be acceptable and ‘normalize’ what is actually what is damaging to the very children he hopes to engage !
Sorry I am still simmering …lying ,cheating, stealing being offered up as no big deal while holding up a facade of respectability and sophisticated elegance make my blood boil…!
The Lord tells us to pray for those who despite-fully use you …yes…I do …but sometimes my prayers are not as some might think is godly …ugh.
The problem is that when someone goes without chastening …the Bible says they are in bigger trouble than anyone would imagine…
Whom the Lord loves he chasteneth betimes…and if a man be without chastening …well ..I will not print it here but people should look that up in a concordance…it might shock them….
God is love but he is also JUST …and HOLY ..we may be saved from his wrath through Jesus Christ but we DO have accountability with him for HOW we have lived our lives to glorify and honor that gift.
At the very least my husband’s disregard for keeping his word is astonishing that he would think his children don’t see it and mind it ….it’s just wrong…