Now that the affair is ‘over’, you face the challenge of turning off the feelings. This is a challenge for both the cheater and the one that was cheated on. The cheater has to turn off the feelings toward the lover, you have to turn off the negative reactions to the cheater. Keeping your hatred of them going will only push them away. “Love attracts and hate repels”. Keeping the hate will keep your spouse away.
Feelings are not turned off like a light switch. Turning off emotions takes time. It takes time to heal and ‘re-calibrate’ your emotions. When affairs happen, the emotions are in high gear, they are intense, and they are excitingly powerful. When in the midst of the affair, everyone grows accustomed to being in high gear mode and the expectations that come with the ‘high gear’ mode. In turning off the emotions, you have to gear down. You have to adjust to living life with less intensity and excitement. You have to get used to slowing down your life and emotions.
The emotions will lessen, if you do not feed them with fantasies and daydreams.
These are the steps to take in turning off the feelings.
-give it time
-re-adjust expectations
-accept the lower intensity
-quite romanticizing and daydreaming about the affair (you will need to stop the revenge fantasies as well)
-Make time for each other
-Make the time with each other enjoyable
-Accept each other for who you are (don’t compare yourself to the lover, or try to compete with the lover)
Taking these steps will start you on your way to turning off and turning around the feelings.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
