One of you readers recently posed the question, “Do men build resentment then have affairs?” Although you asked about ‘men’, both genders are capable of building resentments before having affairs.
Although some cheaters allow resentments continue building to a critical point, that’s not a pattern used by all men.
In the recovery community, they are very familiar with this idea. The term they use is “BUD” Building Up to Drug/Drink). They know that the addict often allows their anger and resentment to build up in order to go out drugging or drinking.
That community knows resentments are used as motivational drivers. You find people stuffing their anger, hurts or grudges until they turn into resentments.
They proceed to stuff their resentments until there is enough to ‘earn’ themselves a bender. The stuffed anger fuels the bender.
In the case of cheaters, the resentments are allowed a continual build up until reaching a critical point. The critical point is when the forces driving the affair become more powerful than the forces keeping them in the marriage.
It becomes a matter of simple physics. The forces driving the affair become stronger than the forces preventing it.
Since marriage is a voluntary relationship (at least it’s supposed to be), the potential cheater must choose to stay in the marriage. Since resentment is a powerful force, when it builds up, it gives the cheater the drive or motivation to act out on their fantasies.
The desire to have an affair, which is driven by the resentment, overtakes the desire to stay in the marriage ( I discuss this in greater detail in the e-book, ‘Why He Cheats‘).
When resentment starts building up, it eats away at the spirit of oneness and cooperation in your marriage. Resentments create a hostile home environment.
When resentments are high, both of you may avoid being home with each other. You no longer enjoy each other’s company. Each of you look for way of avoiding each other.
When resentment takes root, it changes what the two of you notice about each other. Rather than noticing the good, you immediately see the bad.
The home becomes a center of ‘negative’ energy rather than refreshing people through its positive energy.
For this reason, you will want to address resentments before they ‘take root’. Resentment destroys the spirit of your marriage.
With resentment driven affairs, the affair is merely the final nail in the coffin of a sick and dying marriage.
What are you doing to reduce the resentment?
Best Regards,
Jeff
