Cheaters are often the champions of ‘brinkmanship’. They take relationships to the furthermost edge of ‘acceptability’ and expect you to condone and be all right with what they did. You may have 1The two things that many cheaters do not understand is that 1) what is viewed as “acceptable” varies from person to person. What they consider acceptable may not be what their spouse or their value system views as acceptable. Since they rationalize what they are doing, it is hard for them to see that they have done anything wrong or hurtful. Cheaters are able to do this since they are looking at their intentions, rather than the consequences. By having a different focal point, they often justify many things. The second thing 2) is that they often have a legalistic view of relationships. In this legalism, since they did not “cross the line”, it is acceptable. They often hold to their legalistic views in a rigid manner. They hold to it, since it makes them a ‘decent’ person. Although it is tempting to confront them and blast their values, such interventions are destructive. You would be better off helping them see that they need to consider emotional and relational impact of their actions on others, rather than attack them. Help them understand that what they consider ‘the line’ is actually way over the line in terms of its impact.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
