Some spouses liken flirting to cheating, and some are totally acceptable of flirting. I was reminded of the relationship of these two while watching the movie ‘Anger Management’.
The comment is made that “flirting is cheatings’ ugly cousin”. You may be one that subscribes to that thinking.
In my dealings with people, I have recognized that flirting for some people comes naturally. It is their way of striking up a conversation.
Rather than come to me asking if it is ok, the person you need to ask is your spouse. Not in terms of seeking their permission, but finding out at what point they become uncomfortable.
You may need to recognize that they may see more hidden messages in your flirting that you did not realize were there. Their comments may reveal your blindspots.
Many an affair has begun with ‘innocent’ flirting. The intentions may have been innocent, but flirting often ignites fires of passion that once on fire are hard to put out. Flirting is similar to playing with fire. It’s useful, but, it can easily get out of control and burn you in the process.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
I guess it begs the question. what is flirting?
To me flirting has an intention and if that intention is false it is a deliberate tease and thus inappropriate.
But then I think about my mother. Years ago I had a part and my neighbour thought my mother was coming on to him. I found it not absurd, bt sill laughable. She was just being herself. And I realized that some people’s natural behaviors may have no deliebrate intention of fliratiousness and yet others will interpret them as flirtatious.
I can see how people will do that with my mother. She has a tendency to be dramatic and people don’t know when to take her seriously. I don’t think she has the typical understanding of personal space in our culture either–she finds it odd that people want privacy when in the bathroom. She gets close, she smiles and she touches–shoulders. But she’s not flirting and so would never understand that she should discuss this with her spouse–if she had one–and get some sort of permission.
Then there is my Dad–divorced from my Mom when I was 4. He flirts and he knows it. He’s been married to his 4th wife for almost 25 years and I it’s not something he would do in her presence–and given my personal experience I cannot for the life of me figure out why he thinks it is somehoe okay to tell me. But he flirts quite openly. He’s talked about kissing someone for show on his bus or women in see through boathrobes lit up with Christmas lights–nothing that goes to the level of oral or genital intercourse–most of his stories are when he is working–bus driver. But with me he’s quite open about how he flirts–I’m not amused.
My Dad knows he’s doing it to the point that he gives a wink and mentions that he doesn’t tell his wife. My Mom, not clue.
Rollercoasterrider,
Defining what behaviors constitute flirting is one thing, defining what the acceptable levels of that flirting are is something else. Some spouses have no problem with flirting, while others do. Knowing what the acceptable behaviors are in one’s marriage is important to establish.
Being secretive about flirting or any other seductive type behavior is not a good sign. If people felt alright about what they were doing, there would be no need for such secrets. Engaging in a behavior that you want to keep from your spouse raises red flags for me of possible dangers.
Some people flirt as a matter of social interaction. Others are selective in their flirting and limit it to either family members, good friends, or situations where it is more accepted (e.g. dealing with a waiter or waitress). Some engage in it nervously due to feeling discomfort at having to deal with a power inequality situation. In such cases, rather than engage the people as equals, they choose instead to flirt. The reason for flirting also needs to be considered.
Since there are many potential motivations, social interaction styles, habits, etc. involved, one standard definition would not cover all scenarios.
It is definitely an issue needed further exploration.