When you married your spouse, the two of you shared a dream. You dreamed of the way your marriage was supposed to be, how husbands were to treat their wives and how wives were to respond to their husbands. Some of your dreams may have come true along the way, yet when an affair happens, the dream turns into a nightmare. Whether the affair was at the end of the dream or in the middle of the nightmare, the whole thing has crashed around you. You are left to pick up the pieces of what the two of you hoped for, planned for and dreamed about.
Solutions require effort rather than more dreaming. Dreaming about getting out of your situation will not turn things around on its own. You need to wake up and take action. The challenge is knowing what kind of action to take and where to do it. You already know that you need to take action now. In most cases, lashing out at the cheater or ‘giving them what they deserve’ only makes matters worse. I understand that what they did was not right or fair. You may need to consider whether you are wanting them back or are you wanting fairness. Lashing out often leads to further lashing out. You have a lot to say, and they may not be able to hear what you have to say, or your actions may be distracting them from hearing what you are saying to them.
When your dream turns to a nightmare, start by asking what you really want, whether it is getting them back, hurting them back or making peace. If you want to understand what happened, then quit freaking out when they start telling you what you told them that you wanted to hear. It could be that the cheater is listening to you and giving you what you have asked them for. Asking them to tell you everything and then shutting down by freaking out or attacking back, sends a mixed message. You have told them one message with your statements, yet your actions are sending a contradictory message.
With humans, when cheaters are given a choice of which message to respond to, they will either shut down or take the easier choice.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
