Today I need a word with the betrayer. As you and your spouse start addressing recovery from what happened in the affair, you may hear some variation of “How could I be so stupid?”
If your response reassures them that they aren’t stupid, you’ve missed their point. Your listening skills failed you in this instance.
You’ll also find that any answer to that question will be the wrong answer. It’s a no-win situation, and it’s designed to be that way, since that’s how they’re feeling.
Reassuring your spouse of their intelligence isn’t what’s needed at those moments. If anything such reassurances will likely be taken as a put down. Chances are they’ll get more enraged at your reassurances.
You can find yourself embroiled in an argument where you really don’t have a clue. You thought they needed reassurance about how they weren’t stupid and now you get blasted for something else.
This reveals a blind spot concerning relationships and how your actions impact your spouse.
The comment about being stupid has to do with some flagrant display you made during the affair. You did something that left them feeling stupid.
Their comment is about something you did that offended them in a major way. It may even be how you hid the affair from them.
Consider how you treated them like a child that can’t handle the truth by hiding what happened rather than as your spouse.
Typically, when your flagrant displays are in public, there’s a greater likelihood of it leaving your spouse feeling stupid or foolish. You made a fool of them in public.
You need to take responsibility for what you did, and they need to take responsibility for their reactions. In this case, your actions had an unintended secondary consequence you never considered.
Healing will not move forward until responsibility is taken. This means you need to take responsibility for your choices and the impact of them. Even if you never intended what happened, your choice started a chain of events.
There will also not be any healing until you clearly and unambiguously end the affair. It has to be over in clear and certain ways. Any fuzziness or leaving doors open only delays healing from starting.
If you don’t know where to start with recovering from what you did, consider the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”. It will help you know what steps to take in starting the recovery process for you and your spouse.
Your marriage is worth making changes for. Click and download it today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
